Tales of the Campfire
by Celirian
Summary: Estelle's got her reasons for not sleeping at night but she doesn't expect to join Raven around the fire that evening, and she certainly doesn't expect what comes next or know that by the end of it, the both of them are going to be irreparably changed. For good or for worse? Well, that depends on who you ask. GEN.
1. Chapter 1

**Tales of the Campfire**

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Summary: Estelle's got her reasons for not sleeping at night but she doesn't expect to join Raven around the fire that evening, and she certainly doesn't expect what comes next or know that by the end of it, the both of them are going to be irreparably changed. For good or for worse? Well, that depends on who you ask. GEN.

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AN: This is my second collaboration with Legi (aka Salzarfalcon). It's also up on her page so please please please don't tell me I'm plagiarizing...because I'm not.

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He usually cracks a joke or two about how the old man shouldn't be forced to take a late night watch. He'll say something like "Ah, but it's you young people that have all the energy! Us older folks need our beauty sleep." Then inevitably someone (most likely Rita) would negate his words with something along the lines of "I don't think beauty sleep does you any good, old man."

He would then let out an exaggerated sigh, hunching over in defeat and accepting his fate as late night watchmen with grace. But Raven would be lying if he didn't admit that he always puts on the show on purpose. In truth, he really likes taking the midnight eye. It's quiet and calm and it makes him feel like he is actually doing something _good_for these kids for a change.

He never feels like he does anything decent for them, especially not after his most recent actions. At first, it didn't matter if he did anything nice or kind or good for them. They were simply a part of his mission (multiple missions, actually). He wasn't there to help them; he had simply been there to watch, take notes, and push them in the right direction for _his _purposes.

Well, it was never for _his_ purposes exactly; it was for Commandant Alexei's and Don Whitehorse's. It had all worked out so well, flawless even, until the unimaginable happened.

Raven got himself invested in this ragtag group of stubborn willed, bull headed, daydreaming children. He doesn't even know when (or how) _that _happened, let alone when he started doubting everything around him: who he was working for, who was right or wrong, what he cared about, and mostly who _he was. _In the end, though, he had done the unthinkable and turned full traitor on them; took their princess from their clutches and handed her over to the man who sought to destroy the world. The very person this group of ignorant children was fighting to stop with everything they had. The single guy in the entirety of Terca Lumireis that he knew was wrong (so _so _wrong).

But, now, here he is sitting at a campfire with Yuri, Karol and Repede sleeping off to his left and Judy, Rita, and Estelle in a tent behind him.

_These kids are weird_. Not only do they apparently _trust_ him, but they claim that they now own him (at least he was used to that). That his life is in their hands and all just to keep him around; to keep him _alive_. It makes no sense at all to Raven but then again, he knew that Yuri was different from the get go. Anyone who follows him around has to be a little odd in their own right.

Not that he is one to talk.

And here is the problem with the quiet late night watch: it gives him time to think. Perhaps a little too much time. Raven usually starts by thinking about the day, moves on to think about the next day on its way, and finishes up by thinking about why he is allowing himself to carry on the way he is. He is never sure how that works out the way it does, but he has decided that it might be best to just roll with it because no matter how hard he tries it always ends up that way; ends up with him thinking it would be best to steal away in the night and rid these kids of his burden.

A small noise to his right forces Raven from his thoughts and he suddenly realizes that the fire has grown smaller. Putting his hands on his knees to push himself up he freezes as he realizes that there's a shadow moving from the girl's tent. Settling back down, Raven watches as the tiny figure approaches the campfire slowly, ever so cautious to keep from making any noise. Pink settles down two logs away from him and green eyes stare into the fire, completely unaware of his presence.

Raven puts on his best smile and scoots over on his own log until he's in the fire's dying light. He speaks softly, so he doesn't startle her, but keeps a bit of that 'Raven accent' he has perfected these past ten years. "Young princesses should be getting their beauty sleep this late at night."

Estelle generally likes to think that she's good at being quiet; never really the rebellious type, she's done her share of sneaking around the castle to get into plenty of the places she shouldn't (Hide spell books from her? She thinks not). It's not quite the level of sneaking she's experienced while traveling with Yuri, but not much is. There's a pretty big jump between avoiding her guards to get into the good libraries and avoiding death at the hands of various do-baddies, she thinks, and there isn't a lot that could have prepared her for it.

It's one of those nights where sleep doesn't come easily.

Sometimes she wears herself out to the point where it doesn't matter where they set up camp, and she'll be able to sleep through anything. Tonight isn't one of those nights. She can't help it; she's used to sleeping inside. Comfortable weather or not, it's hard to get used to the noises and the fluctuating temperatures and the uneven ground. Estelle never says anything about it because it's not like all of them aren't managing with the exact same conditions.

The last thing she wants to be is some spoilt little princess who can't handle some camping.

And sometimes, sometimes, she can't sleep for reasons other than the occasional pebble under her bedroll.

Still, she can't help that she can't sleep and Estelle's found that the best way to go about it is to just leave the tent, because Judy sleeps so lightly and everyone needs a full night's rest if they can get it and it won't be Estelle who gets in the way of that. She likes sitting around the fire on nights like this, because it's warm and crackly and she's found that she gets a lot of thinking done when she stares into it.

None of them lack for things to think about these days.

So Estelle toes open the tent flap and sidles out of it, sacrificing speed for silence. Rita sleeps like a rock, but Judith…no. Best to be slow and silent than rush it and risk waking her. They've all worked so hard today.

Usually, whoever has the late watch stands near the outskirts of camp, watching for monsters or any sets of eyes that don't belong peering out of the darkness, and that's why she assumes she's alone when she settles down on a log by the fire, leaning over into the warmth. It's childish, but part of Estelle likes the idea that if she tries hard enough, she can pull the comfort of the campfire underneath her skin and remember it when it's cold.

And then she's not alone because Raven suddenly materializes a couple of logs away and she didn't even know he was there, and for a good ten seconds, Estelle can only stare at him, wide-eyed.

"O-oh!" she exclaims when she shakes off the instinctual stiffening of her shoulders, "Raven! I didn't even know you were here. I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I didn't mean to interrupt you." She sends him a small smile over the firelight.

Raven waves a hand in the air and pushes his smile into his best grin. For some reason, grinning is easier than a simple smile when you're forcing it. Raven grins a lot; he likes to think he's mastered it like he has mastered his accent. "Nah, you're not interruptin' anything special; just an old man reminiscin' on boring things."

Standing up, he stretches a little, places a hand on his lower back, and crosses to the other side of the fire to pick up a few wooden branches Karol had gathered before going to bed. His back doesn't really hurt, but playing the old man card is something he likes doing. It's almost become his aura because in actuality, he isn't really all that old. Thirty-five might seem to be pushing it for this group of young kids, but there are a lot of older men out there. But they want him to be the old man, so he will be the old man.

Raven always plays the roles he is assigned.

Once the kindle is crackling and the fire is just a little too warm (which is perfect for these kinds of nights. A warm not to keep out cold air, but to make you feel safe) he sits back down and casts a quick glance at Estelle. She looks tired and who could blame her? Everyone had been through a lot recently, but she had had it the worst of all. Being a prisoner, tortured and used, by Alexei. He knows exactly how that feels so he could probably take a good guess at what she was thinking about because it was most likely the same things he thinks about.

_And that is my entire fault. _

What could he say to her? He had apologized, sure, and she had hit him pretty damn hard on the head and called them even, but he knew they weren't anywhere close to even. He did what he could to try and make up for it throughout the days. He would try to lessen the amount of work she had to put into a fight or make sure to heal the others before she had to use her own power, but it still never felt like enough. Nothing probably ever would.

To be blunt, he just felt awkward around Estelle (awkward was the least of it really; there was also ashamed and guilty and awkward), but he's learned to ignore that for the most part. Make idle chat when he needs to and throw in a joke or two here or there to hear a giggle.

Sitting back, Raven lets out a purposefully loud sigh and stares up at the stars. "I guess sleeping mats and flimsy blankets aren't exactly castle material, huh?"

Estelle looks away from the now-larger fire to watch him.

Aside from their one very short conversation directly after the ordeal with Alexei (and she does not think about Yuri's blood on her hands, thank you very much, don't forget the postcard), she hasn't really spoken all that much with Raven. Not just because she doesn't quite know what to say to him now, but because she looks at him and the shame threatens to overwhelm her. If Estelle has to pick out one thing that she regrets most, it's that she _didn't_make an effort to get to know him, because it became so clear so quickly that they really knew nothing about him.

What's worse is that _no one_ tried. She knows she didn't, not anywhere near as hard as she should have. It might not have changed things, but it might have changed _something_. What, she doesn't know.

But they _should_ have. He was a part of the team, he fought and healed and laughed with them and no one, including her, even tried to really know who he was. She thought they were friends and she knew _nothing_, knew nothing of his pain and worries and fears like she knew the others'.

And that's why it's such a problem now, she thinks with no small amount of self-recrimination.

That's what the night and the fire are for, because that's the only chance Estelle really gets to sit and process the way she just needs to sometimes, when her head gets full and she starts running herself in circles.

She shakes her head.

"No, it's not that so much," she says, because it's not, "I guess it's still hard to get used to, that's all. The noises and everything." She smiles sheepishly, "Judith is a light sleeper; if I stay there I'll wake her up." Maybe it's a little too warm now, but that's alright. She kind of likes it. Estelle twists her bare hands in the hem of her sleeping shirt. "Do you mind company while you reminisce? Two people on guard are better than one." Estelle takes the night watch too when it's her turn just like everyone else, and she can watch out for monsters just as well as anyone else.

She doesn't mention that if he asks her to leave, she'll do as he says but probably stay awake the whole night, staring up into the fabric of the tent. He doesn't need that too.

Raven closes his grin to his perfected one sided smirk. "Now do you think this old man would deny the company of a pretty young lady? Besides, you've probably got better hearin' and eyesight than me."

Seeing a small tug at Estelle's lips, Raven gives a short nod, more for himself than anything, really. At least he accomplished something tonight, even if it wasn't a whole lot. That's what he's decided he is going to do from here on out. At first it was just to help Yuri and the others get Estelle back, but that backfired on him pretty quickly with the whole 'belonging to Brave Vesperia' thing. So now in the days after finding the princess and before fighting Alexei for the last time at Zaude, he would make someone smile.

He didn't have a very good track record right now, but it was something for him to focus on. Something to keep him focused. It was an objective he made up after they rescued Estelle. He hasn't made any purposes for himself in a very, _very_ long time so he didn't really remember how to. He felt like he was pulling at strings, but everyone's got to start from somewhere. He had started over once before, he could do it again. Hopefully.

Maybe.

But then the silence falls again between him and Estelle and Raven suddenly finds himself unusually fidgety. He could talk, but what the hell do you talk about with the person you betrayed and handed over to a complete psycho? He knows "So how are you feeling on this fine night only a couple weeks after you had been tortured both mentally and emotionally?" is probably a bad conversation starter.

Realizing that something (that look that he has never been able to mask completely when he's thinking about the past) must have slipped onto his face, Raven catches Estelle eyeing him curiously and he straightens up. "H..hey what ya given me that look for? I got somethin' on my face? Oh, I bet my hair is a mess after we passed through all that wind in the mountains this afternoon."

He reaches up and runs his fingers through his bushy, mess of a ponytail. It's not long until they get caught in a massive knot and Raven flinches (legitimately because it kind of hurts) as he tugs. "There's no helping this mop I guess. I don't know how Yuri does it, his is twice as long as mine and he keeps it down! That would drive me crazy." Twisting his hair tighter he rolls it up into a small, splayed bun. "Oh! Maybe I could have one of those neat buns like Judy. I bet she never has to worry, although I always wondered if that top knot was ever heavy on top of her head…"

He is just rambling now but that's what he is good at; rambling about pointless things so that no one would want him to talk about any real subjects. Anything he isn't good at talking about.

Estelle can't fight the small smile that plays on her face and to be honest, she doesn't really want to. At least, not until Raven gets a funny look on his face that she's not entirely comfortable with because it reminds her a little too much of how she feels sometimes.

She stays quiet and considering until the man starts wrenching at his hair and she fights the urge to stop him. She remembers when she had long hair and how finger brushing it just made it worse, especially if she'd been practicing her swordsmanship and it had gotten sweaty and disgusting, and then it would stick to itself and knot and drive her absolutely out of her _mind—_

That may or may not have had a good deal to do with why she had decided to get rid of it in the end, thanks to a wonderful accident and her own blade.

"I think Yuri's hair might be magic," she replies with a half-grin, "Goodness knows _mine_ never stayed that nice." She's not the tiniest bit resentful over that one, no. Not a single, little bit. Except that she kind of is, because no man should be allowed to have hair that nice without work.

She manages to stay her hands until Raven hits a snarl that very clearly hurts him and then she can't stand it anymore.

Estelle scoots closer until she's sitting next to him and taps his hands. A quick, perfunctory touch that she retracts quickly, mostly due to the way he stiffens up at the slight contact.

"May I?" she asks after a drop of hesitation and waggles her fingers tantalizingly in the air.

As much as she wants to reach out and help –because this is something she can do-, this time she needs to ask. Not just for him but maybe for herself too, not to mention…well. Estelle doesn't know for sure –because she never asked, she never _asked_-, but from what she can tell, the last time anyone decided to 'help' him, Raven got a blastia put in his chest.

She won't add to that. She _can't_.

The conversation diving bombing from "awkward" to "run away worthy", Raven doesn't know how to respond when he notices the princess sitting next to him, her eyes staring up at his jumble of a ponytail and her fingers twitching in the air. It's a simple question for a relatively harmless gesture, but Raven's hair is a little more than just an annoying mop to him. (It is first and foremost an annoying mop, though.)

There is a reason he kept it up in an unkempt fountain on the top of his head and it isn't to keep him cool or to keep it out of his eyes. If he wanted to do that he could just chop it all off and keep it short; that was _never_ going to be an option. _Ever._

It is because when his hair isn't up in a ponytail, when it is down and shading one eye in its slick natural state, he is an entirely different person. When it was short and not long, he lived a different life.

Up was Raven. Down was Schwann.

Short was then. Long is now.

He never wanted to take it down again. Especially not in front of this group; even more so in front of Estelle.

Untangling his hand, Raven begins to shake his head. This conversation is going down a road he really doesn't want to be on. But seeing the princess' green eyes go from his face to his hair again he backtracks. It _was_ better than sitting around in an awkward silence and he is very good at steering conversations in various directions towards his own liking.

So it's either refuse and make an awkward moment even more awkward or say yes and see what happens.

_Well I'm not getting out of this one very easy now am I?_

Blue eyes meet green and Raven ducks his head slowly, hesitantly. The girl probably needs a distraction as much as he does.

"Uh, if you insist; all I can say is good luck! I've been trying to tame it for 35 years and I've never been successful."

Estelle waits until she gets the (very, very reluctant) go-ahead before reaching out and undoing the cord that keeps Raven's hair up. It takes a little finagling just for that and when she has it out…well. It's a little scary. Actually, the entire situation is a little scary for more than one reason. Raven's tense and unhappy, that much is obvious, and she's not sure whether it's at the prospect of someone touching his hair or the fact that it's _her_ and she's not sure which she prefers.

She wouldn't blame him if he was uncomfortable being around her.

A wreck is really the best word for it, Estelle decides, and considers how best to go about doing this. He's taller than she is, and sitting like this on the same log makes things difficult.

"Um…if you wouldn't mind, I can reach better if you'd sit on the ground. I mean, if that's okay."

Aside from the ring of dirt and rocks to keep the campfire contained, the rest of the area's grass, and Raven gives another one of those funny looks (made just the littlest bit legitimately funny by the tangled mess falling around his ears) but scoots down to park himself in the grass to lean against the log.

"Thank you," she murmurs lowly and finally manages to touch, starting at the ends. She hits the first knot around the nape of his neck and she works at it with her fingertips, tugging strands here and there to try and avoid breakage if at all possible. "Please tell me if I hurt you, it's been a while." It's been longer than a while, not since she had her own hair to do this to, and she hasn't ever felt bold enough to ask Yuri.

That it's Raven and not anyone else is the part that's most new, and Estelle does her best to stave off her own tension and anxiety over it.

There's something very calming about it, at least to her, and in between working the tangles, Estelle uses just a touch of nail on his scalp, a touch that has little to do with the job at hand and everything to do with maybe getting him to relax a little bit more. It's obvious enough in the way he holds himself and even if she doesn't entirely succeed with his hair, maybe she can make him a little more comfortable at least.

There's a lot that Estelle wants to say, little of it easy or comfortable or safe, and she doesn't know what right she has to say any of it. It's easier to touch than to talk right now, for her anyway, and gradually some of her own tenseness fades away into something she can't name.

But she knows (from experience, and she wishes that it wasn't) that there's a point you hit where you have to say _something_ or you explode. Estelle doesn't like to remember how it feels to hit that point and she knows full well that Raven hasn't said a word, to anyone. And why would he?

She pulls in a steadying breath and subconsciously, her hands still in his hair, the ashy untangled strands slipping through her fingers.

"Um, Raven…" she begins unsteadily, and the man in front of her stiffens further, "You probably, um, probably don't want to hear this from me, but if you ever needed to talk to someone…" she trails off, feeling stupid and out of place and then feeling even stupider for feeling that way, "If you wanted to, I mean..."

Estelle's touch is as light and delicate as you would expect from a princess. Her slender fingers barely pull at his scalp as they slowly untangle his raggedy locks in a practiced motion. Raven finds himself between being completely mortified that this was happening and maybe kind of enjoying it. It is hard to not feel somewhat embarrassed; his hair really is an awful rat's nest. He hadn't found the time to give it a good brushing after he had met up with everyone again on Heracles after…well he would rather not think about the last time his hair had been down.

He hears her statement; it reaches his ears, but at first he can't quite grasp what she is saying. She is talking and he knows the definitions of the words, but together they're not making any sense.

And then they finally do make sense as Estelle's hands stop their subtle movements and a few wisps of hair brush his neck. Raven whips a hand up immediately to get them away from his skin and he goes stock still, stuck somewhere between wanting to run away or burst out laughing and it takes everything he has not to do either. It's not long until his muscles are shaking from restraint and his throat is dry and burning. Suddenly he wishes he hadn't made the fire so warm.

His raised hand tenses and his knuckles burn white as fingers curl around his neck, nails digging into his skin. She didn't mean it. She couldn't be _serious_. Just…_why_? _Why_ would Estelle even suggest that she would want to listen to anything he has to say? Anytime he opens his mouth someone in the group was rolling their eyes at him and that was perfectly alright with him. That was how it was supposed to be; they were supposed to roll their eyes at him; they weren't supposed to _want_ him to talk.

For as perceptive as he is Raven likes to think he can usually tell where a conversation is headed, but this was not what he had expected. He had just wanted to make Estelle smile a little, and if he was lucky maybe manage get a small giggle. She is tired and stressed and everything else not fun about human emotions, but that means she should be worrying about herself. Not him. _Never_ him.

He can't allow it. Not now; not when everyone has greater things to worry about. Not when Estelle needs to make peace with everything that has happened to her; which will take _time _and spirits, how he _knows_ it's not any small amount of time either. Not when Karol is trying to start a guild and get over his own fears and insecurities at such a young age. Not when Judith is trying to reason with herself that she's made the right decision against her Entelexia friends. Not when Rita is on the brink of discovering a way to help this world; save this world. Not when Yuri is being the calm, collected one; leading the group while trying to keep his own head on straight (because he can't fool Raven; behind those dark eyes is everything but serenity).

He swallows hard, his dry throat itching, forcing him to cough before he finally finds his voice. It's shaky and he can't remember exactly what Raven is supposed to sound like. "N- now what would this old man have to say that would be of any interest to a young princess like yourself?"

Wrong. Wrong. _Wrong_. He sounds all _wrong_.

Estelle freezes. It's not like she expected him to be particularly forthcoming, not when this is the first that she's so much as asked about the things he thinks, the things he feels. It's really not. But there's something in the way that Raven goes still and tense that she hates, like he's _scared_.

She doesn't want that. Not for him. Not from him.

He doesn't sound right when he speaks, a little bit hoarse and more like a croak than anything else, like something's choking him and tripping up his words and it sounds so wrong.

He's speaking now, but it's unusual for him to be so quiet in front of any of them, she can't help but remember. In all the time he'd traveled with them, he was the one who was always laughing, always smiling, forever failing to slip into the quiet spells that they all indulge in every once in a while. How much had he faked and how much had been real? Estelle can't help but think about it now (it's easier to think about than it is to remember how easily her sword had cut into her friends when they hadn't been quite fast enough but not by much) and to make matters just a little more grave, she can't help but wonder which possibility was worse: that it had always been fake and none of them knew or cared, or that some of it had been genuine and they'd ignored him anyway.

It makes her stomach churn.

Estelle forces herself to move again and picks up the hair he'd been so quick to brush away, smoothing it down and carding it up in a pattern she know without thinking about it.

"There's a lot you could say that would interest me," she whispers, so quiet that a breeze could blow it away, but she's pretty sure he hears her anyway.

It's all so awkward but she doesn't pull her hands away from him. It'd be easier, certainly, for both of them –they could pretend that things were normal-, but something's niggling at her, something that says if she lets him go now, they'll never get him back.

She doesn't even want to think about that.

Estelle may or may not also be untangling with one hand and simply carding the rest with the other, but that's neither here nor there. She's never had anyone else to do this for, never had any friends in the palace, never anyone but herself and it's nice, she thinks, to be able to do it now. Even if the way it comes about is nothing like how she expected.

"You know," she says after a few minutes of quiet, "I don't know how much good it does now, but I'm sorry for how I treated you this whole time," Estelle hates how her own voice shakes, from shame and fear and maybe a drop or two of hope, "I mean, from the start. I was unkind to you and never appreciated the ways you helped us, and I'm sorry."

She knows that things got bad, she does and she can't ignore it, but Estelle also can't ignore her own part in that. If Raven is going to be staying with them (and she very much wants him to), she can't go around the whole time with a lump of guilt in her stomach. She'll own it and apologize and hopefully, they'll be able to be friends properly this time.

"I'm so sorry."

"S-sorry?!" Raven stutters and hears his voice pitch with all the confusion that hits him like a fist to the face. His hand drops from his neck as she picks the stray locks of hair off his neck (thank you, thank you, thank you!), but it immediately falls to the grass next to him and he balls around the cool damp strands and _holds_. He holds them like they're the only thing keeping him from getting swept away by a wind that wasn't there.

He really wants to be blown away.

"Why?" He wants to ask (hell he wants to scream it at this point because, seriously…why?), but he stops himself. She did just apologize to him right? Why…_why _would Estelle be saying sorry to _him_? After everything he had done to her, after all the trouble he had caused them since they first met, here she was feeling guilty that she hadn't been _nice_ to him?

She is crazy; that has to be it.

Nothing he has done merits an apology (of any kind) and he was never expecting to hear one. He planned out his actions with all of that in mind. He is annoying on purpose; sarcastic, whiny, and wistful so that the group doesn't feel bad about not getting to know him. And it _worked_. Yuri and Rita certainly never pay attention when he talks (which is fantastic most of the time). Judith plays along in his antics (and he is all too aware that she can see right through him), but she doesn't go any further than that. Karol obviously just doesn't know what to make of him; which is perfectly a-okay (if not a little sad because Raven is genuinely proud of the kid). Hell, even Repede lets outs out a sigh when he back flips at just the right (or wrong) moment.

They _own_ him. His life was Brave Vesperia's (and friends). You don't apologize to something you own. You use it to the best of its abilities and when it is of no more use, you do anything but apologize to it!

And here Estelle is saying she's sorry. _Sorry! _So, what is he suppose to say to an apology he doesn't deserve?

"There's nothin' for you to be apologizing for. I never gave you kids a reason to be nice to me in the first place; I just consider myself lucky you all put up with me for as long as you did." He lets his head drop a little to stare at his fidgeting hands. "That ya still are for that matter."

Realizing that Estelle's hands were still busy in his hair he shakes his head forcing her to withdraw her fingers from his locks. He can't sit still anymore; he needs to get away. This just isn't _right. _

Pulling forward, he sits up on his knees and his hair falls out of Estelle's tiny hands onto his neck, brushes his shoulders; his view of the campfire obscures as his bangs fall across his eyes. Raven feels an instant change in himself.

Hair down, left eye covered, his voice automatically drops into a practiced monotone and unemotional drawl.

"There's nothing I've done to deserve any kindness from you milady."

Estelle wants to immediately deny all of it the moment he starts talking except that she's distracted, not by the words but by how _sad_ he sounds when he says them, and it makes her hurt just like Rita or Karol makes her hurt when anyone mentions family.

She stills when Raven pulls away from her hands to let his hair fall forward into his eyes and feels something inside her go a little bit cold at the change in his voice. It's like he's another person entirely. He doesn't look like the Raven she doesn't know right now but neither does he really look like Captain Schwann (who she doesn't know either but at least recognizes).

Eventually she just says, simply and quietly and almost too low to be heard,

"That's not true at all."

If he denies it, she'll repeat it as often as she needs to because there's nothing he can say or do to change her mind, not on this. He might think he doesn't deserve it, but he's _wrong_. He's so, so wrong.

"How many times did you heal someone before I could finish casting? You didn't have to do that," she continues in the same tone, "That would be enough even if that was all there was, but it's not. You've cooked for us and helped set up camp and you're keeping watch right now. You don't _need_ a reason to be nice to someone. You certainly don't need a reason to be nice to a friend."

And that's the thing, isn't it? Her own feelings about Raven are complicated at best and it's a work in progress to sort through it all and figure out the details after everything that happened but she knows this much: he's a friend and she helped make this happen. And she'll never be able to fix it or herself if she doesn't try her best to help _him_.

She reaches out again and instead of continuing what she was doing, just drops her hand to his temple and strokes backwards to brush his hair out of his eyes.

The motion is foreign and strange and she feels so clumsy right now. There aren't any words and Estelle desperately wants to just break down and beg for him to speak, to say something, _anything_. As long as it's honest. As long as it matters.

Even though she knows she doesn't deserve it, not really.

She has to do something or she's going to lose him, she can _feel_ it. He's not saying how he feels but she'd know that look of abject misery anywhere and she knows that underneath the stoicism (real or fake, she doesn't know and she doesn't care) Raven's anything but quiet. Estelle knows that there's nothing good under that wall he's thrown up, as plainly as she knows that if he doesn't let go at least a little bit, something's going to break and it won't be pretty.

"Raven?" Estelle asks and shifts a little bit on the log, "Please don't call me milady. I'm Estelle. …Just Estelle. Okay?"

Raven wants to pull away. Every nerve in his body is itching to jerk his head from her touch and he flinches as his hair flips back from his eyes, but he manages to, somehow, stay put.

He hears Estelle's words, but can't entirely understand them; they're distant like the last echo or two bouncing off a canyon wall. He knows what she means, but trying to accept it as truth was something he couldn't wrap his head around. Sure, you don't need a reason to be nice to someone. You can be nice to a complete stranger for no reason, but once you get to know a person and if that person wrongs you, you have every reason, and right, _not_ to be nice.

When did things get so complicated? Things were easy when he was a spy, a traitor. He knew who he answered to and he knew what his job was. He knew what needed to get done and he knew how to do it without really thinking. He knew who he was and he knew what his fate would be in the end. It was _easy_. Easy to be two people, easy to lie and cheat and not care. It was easy when he knew he didn't actually matter to anyone.

This? This wasn't easy. Weren't those things Estelle listed just stuff he was obligated to do? Since when were simple tasks a reason for being nice to the guy who tried to kill you? When did he start to question who he was and why he was doing the things he was doing? When did Raven start to take over or when did Captain Schwann start to disappear?

Were the pieces of his being so shattered that he couldn't even hold them all together? Just like how wisps of his hair would escape from his tie and whip around in the wind causing painful knots that were difficult to pull apart; difficult to separate again.

He takes a short breath that doesn't feel like a breath at all. "Raven?" He says the name out loud, whispers it to himself.

It sounds so foreign to him. For almost ten years he's been called that (by some, not all), but it is his _third_ name. It's the tattered, worn, and hazy remnants of someone… someone that was lost a long, long time ago.

"No, Estelle, I certainly don't deserve an apology." He doesn't sound like Raven or Schwann now. He doesn't know _who_ he sounds like. He's heard the voice before and it is familiar in the way that a smell can bring back a long lost memory (the kind of memory when you know when it happened and maybe where, but not whom it happened with or any clear details). "There's nothing more to it than that and you need to focus on what is really important here."

He tries to pull forward again, but this time slender fingers catch his hair and _hold_.

"I think I know exactly what's important," Estelle interjects, no room for argument in her voice or in her fingers.

_I'm just not so sure that __**you**__ do._

She catches and holds because she has to but she stands firm because she wants to, and something important feels so close that she can almost taste it. She holds with her heart and her hands too, resting fingertips that heal and hurt to his temples.

Estelle's never seen Raven look so lost and she thinks that this might be the most honest he's ever been, at least around any of them. She doesn't like that it's pain but she prefers it to a pretty lie, of so-called normalcy as flimsy as paper cutouts and something so fake that it burns. It would be easy enough, she knows, to pretend that nothing ever happened. That he's just the vapid easygoing guild member who always seems to know everything, the guy who takes the insults with a smile, that she's the same little princess who doesn't know what it really means to _hurt_.

It's so easy that she can't do it.

"You told us that you'd still like to be called Raven." There's something to that, Estelle knows, and she's _so_ close. She leans forward as she speaks, like she's spilling a secret. "If…if you ever change your mind, any time…tell me first. I'll listen, I promise."

"Well of course I told you to keep calling me Raven; that's who you met first isn't it?" The person Yuri met back in jail, the person Estelle, Rita, and Karol had met in Nor Harbor; the tag along that Judith met at Ghasfarost. "It would be confusing if I gave you a different name."

"Sometimes I don't know who I met. But I'd really, really like to."

Raven can't help but physically flinch. His voice drops low; the same way it did on Mount Temza, when he saw the craters on the battlefield he never wanted to remember. "That makes two of us then."

The heat from the fire is drying his eyes out now and he closes them against its light. There's a small breeze just strong enough to whip smoke in their direction and the smell chokes him. He knows this smell, he knows the fire's heat, and he knows the feeling of soft hands in his air. He knows the sadness in an earnest apology.

"The last time someone apologized to me," Raven hears himself talking, but at the same time it's not him. It's someone else; someone he knows. "She died. Then I died. And in the end, it was meaningless because I _didn't_ die."

Estelle keeps her hands on him, steady and soft. This is what she wanted; Raven's finally talking a little bit now and that's exactly what she wanted, and she knew that he couldn't possibly say anything good but she didn't expect for his words to kick her straight in the heart, clenching tight and twisting like fingers.

She thinks he needs this as much as it hurts.

If he can't speak, then none of them can walk forward, and she desperately wants Raven to be walking with them when it comes.

"Tell me about it," she murmurs quietly, trying to encourage and soften and strengthen the best she can. She's not sure what to say to keep him talking but she said she'd be there to listen and she won't be going back on that anytime soon, not if it's up to her.

She's there and she's not leaving.

"Damuron."

Raven's breathing speeds up and his hand reaches up unconsciously to his chest, his fingers curling around the metal orb over his heart. It's warm to the touch and he can feel it pulse like the beat of something that should be human. What is wrong with him? Why is he talking about this? Where are the words coming from? He hasn't said that name in ten years. He never wanted to say it again. He never wanted to _hear_ it again. It isn't his anymore. He doesn't _want_ it.

"Damuron Atomais. That was my name before the war."

Estelle isn't expecting this. The last thing she expected was for him to tell her was his name, his _real_ name, not Raven or Schwann or any of the various aliases he may have used in the past, and somehow that feels more important than anything else he could have told her. It doesn't feel like trust exactly, trust takes _time_, time that they haven't had, but she knows that it's important and she's going to treat it as it ought to be treated: an admission of something that she's sure no one else knows.

And he told _her_.

Maybe it's because she's convenient, maybe it's because she pushed and shoved her way into it but somehow that name feels like a gift, a precious gift that Estelle is going to protect come hell and high water.

"Damuron…" she says quietly, rolling the name around in her mouth like something new. "Damuron." She brushes untangled hair through her fingers, "That's a beautiful name."

"Not really." A log on the fire cracks and the small pile of wood crumbles to the bottom of the pit in a shower of sparks. Raven jumps a little at the unexpected shift of heat and noise. He watches as a stray spark dances in their direction; slowly gliding back and forth before its orange glow snuffs out.

"It's the name of a noble's inadequate son and the name of a knight who was naive about the world. He was a carefree guy who didn't think much in life really mattered as long as he had his friends and ambitions."

It's weird, not talking in his practiced and perfected accent. He is wearing the clothes for Raven and carrying his weapons for Raven, but Raven wouldn't be telling this story to anyone. Still, he continues, despite his mind screaming at him to stop in every way possible.

"Damuron was a letdown to his father; he cared too much for the people around him and not enough about his name and money. He didn't care much for his father's opinion either so he joined the Imperial Knights hoping that maybe, he could make a difference without needing to use his status."

Raven can picture his characters and the setting of his story perfectly. The grand capital Zaphias nearly twenty years ago (not that it's changed a whole lot since then). A young man with short, untamable hair and his friends working under a very young, charismatic Captain named Alexei Dinoia. It is all so real and familiar and yet…not.

He hasn't thought about this in a long time. He hasn't _wanted_ to think about it. Now… maybe he does kind of want to tell the tale. There's a prickling at the back of his mind and it's telling him that, if there is ever going to be a time to talk, now is it. Because if he doesn't talk about it he's going to break and he can't bear that. Not again.

"Damuron worked hard, made friends, became a skilled fighter, rose through the ranks, fell in love…"

He stumbles now, nearly choking on his own breathing. He tries to pick the words back up, but they only start to tumble out in a mess and it's embarrassing and he wants to stop, but he _can't_. If he stops now he won't be able to keep going. He'll be halfway up the mountain side with no water or food to last him the rest of the trip up, or back down.

"He found out what he was passionate about and what he wanted to do for the kingdom and his friends and for himself. He was on his way to becoming a great man, but he was stupid and brash and a hopeless dreamer; stuck in ideals that could never be real."

Estelle waits until he pauses in his words before she speaks. She hears every one of them, remembers them, and puts them together with the man in front of her now. It's strangely easy to picture in her head despite how Raven speaks like he's talking about someone other than him: the idealistic, good-hearted knight who loses everything in the end, even his life, only to not even have that happen right.

And he did seem to have lost everything, if she reads what he's saying and puts it together with what he's _not_ saying.

"Damuron sounds like a very good man," she tells him quietly and watches the fire instead of Raven, because she knows how it feels to be afraid to be seen so vulnerable. It's almost uncomfortably warm and Estelle can see her fingers shake a little bit from tension and more than a small amount of worry. She wants him to know that she's still here and she's still listening and she's going to keep listening until he's ready to stop, whenever that happens.

_However_ that happens.

"I think he sounds like a very, very good man."

Despite the hands still tangled in his hair Raven shifts to look up at the sky. There are more stars than he remembered seeing at the beginning of the night just after the sun had first met. "I suppose he was, in some ways. He admired those ahead of him and strove to be a better person to achieve the goals he had set for himself. He endured a lot, but kept pushing forward. It…it wasn't his fault the war came."

Right? That wasn't something a _knight_ could avoid. If there was a battle being fought a knight should not be anywhere else but the field of steel and blood. A knight's duty was to live and die, if need be, for a cause they believed in.

"He fought hard in that last battle and he lived. He survived because his friends had sacrificed themselves for him and when things were supposedly said and done with, he got orders to keep killing. To kill the very person who had ended the fight; ended the war. And he did so because he believed in those around him and in the person giving him those orders." Closing his eyes against the stars he lets out a long shaky breath. "And then he wasted his friend's sacrifices. He died in the battle that wasn't supposed to happen. Trying to kill a man he wasn't supposed to kill and fighting people he wasn't supposed to fight against."

Lifting his hands Raven stares down at his calloused palms. Rough and dry from his bow they're worn, and now they're shaking, just ever so slightly. "Then I woke up and it was like taking the broken pieces from a mirror and trying to make two entirely different mirrors from the remnants. There's not enough to go around; so you pick and you chose what pieces should go where and see if you can't make them pass for something at least somewhat functional.

"You hate being a cracked broken mess and you wish you had never been glued back together, but at the same time you can't help but feel indebted to the craftsmen that gave you a second chance; even if it is all wrong. You get used to being used in the fashion you were recreated for; not for what you used to be. You learn and come to terms with the fact that, in the end, your usefulness will run out and you'll be able to finally rest in the pieces you were supposed to be left in years ago."

Clenching his fists Raven lets out a laugh. He doesn't know where it comes from and it's dry and bitter and tastes bad as it leaves his mouth. "And then, I don't even get that luxury and I don't understand _why_."

Estelle drags in a broken breath and realizes, distantly, that even though she's gone still as a statue everywhere else, her hands are still trembling. There's a tiny edge of white around everything she sees and every sound is ringing in her head like the drums of war.

She hurtslike she can't even describe. If she feels like this, how does it have to be for Raven?

"Alexei is _dead_," she says, voice cracking, "Alexei Dinoia is dead. You're _not_." Her hands remember how it felt to hit him and she almost wants to repeat the incident if only to wipe that horrible, broken look off of his face. "Don't…don't say that." Her voice shakes like some frightened thing and Estelle hates it. "Don't you ever, _ever_ talk about yourself like that. Like you're some—some _thing_. Some thing that can be used and thrown away just like that. Like you're allowed to just lay down and die like someone's _dog_. Don't—don't! Just…don't."

Her vision blurs and she clenches green eyes shut to halt any potential tears. She wants to cry, oh, she wants to cry.

She also wants to hit him.

Badly.

"You're so—so _stupid_," she snarls through gritted teeth, "Who cares about that? Dying's easy; anyone can do it!" Her voice breaks and she absolutely doesn't sob, no matter what the noise she makes suggests instead, "You're _better_. Raven, you're better. You're better, you're better… And you're not allowed to die. You're not a tool. You're not our toy. Not mine."

She forces herself into silence, hauling back all the rest of her words with all the force she has, tugging them back inside her and trades them in for moisture building in the corners of her eyes that, hopefully, goes unnoticed.

For his part Raven can only sit in stunned silence.

Part of it is because he isn't too sure about anything he just said. He hardly remembers speaking, but he knows what story he told. He knows because he remembers it and he knows because he's shaking all over and there is no way he will be able to stop no matter how hard he tries. He knows because he feels like he could break. He knows because…suddenly he feels just a little bit better; a little lighter and a little more focused. He can suddenly breathe in the fire heated air easier.

The other half of his confusion is because he isn't too sure who is sitting behind him right now. He knows her name is Estelle and he knows she is a princess and someone he betrayed. He knows her voice, but he doesn't know the words coming out in that voice. They are mad and hurt and have that 'on the verge of tears' shake to them.

_Sprits. Estellise is…angry._ _Angry _at me_. Angry…for me?_

Raven moves now, slowly, stiffly, for what feels like the first time in days. It hurts; his joints crack and his muscles burn and he shakes as he turns on his knees to face the princess sitting on the wooden log behind him. His now untangled hair falls around his shoulders and his bangs frame his eyes with their natural part, but this time it feels…_normal_.

He suddenly knows what he has to do. He knows what he _needs. _This is something he hasn't been so sure of for ten years. He looks up at the girl, barely able to make out the tiny glistening water droplets hanging from the corners of her eyes, and takes a breath.

"I'm s-"

"Don't!" Green eyes snap open and pink hair flips as Estelle shakes her head vehemently. "Raven, don't you even _dare_ apologize. Not for this or for your life or for—" Estelle freezes as Raven's hand takes her own and he rises slowly to lean on one knee, his head bowed to the ground and his hair obscuring anything she might be able to read off his face.

"Raven has already apologized to your ladyship." He looks up now, blue eyes honest and _real_. "But could you allow a knight to give his apologies so that he might be able to finally…move on?"

"If..." Estelle swallows, her throat suddenly dry and almost painfully tight, "If it will help you, you're more than welcome. ...Captain."

With a short nod the man bows his head again, his hand tightening its grip around the princess' slender fingers. "My lady, I pray you don't hold any grievances against a Captain who has nothing but the greatest respect for you, your strength, your will, and your grace. It has been one of my greatest honors serving you and your kingdom, but in my service I have failed you. I beg that you please accept my wholehearted apology for anything I have done that has caused you and those you sought to protect pain. I am truly sorry."

Estelle can't do anything but stare for a few moments, her hand still clasped in Raven's. Raven, who's slipped into Captain Schwann. Raven, who's Raven and Captain Schwann and a man named Damuron Atomais. Raven, who's Raven and Captain Schwann and Damuron Atomais and who's kneeling in front of her now, head bowed and subservient.

It takes her a moment to realize that she's holding her breath.

It's easier than she would have thought to straighten her back and tilt her chin up just like her etiquette instructors taught her. He needs this, she thinks, and that makes it easier to put on the airs she needs to stop being Estelle and be more like Imperial Princess Estellise Sidos Heurassein.

Captain Schwann needs a princess?

She can do that.

"Captain Schwann Oltorain," she says quietly but evenly. Had it not been so late (or early), Estelle might have been more afraid of someone overhearing. As it is, she doesn't care because their only company is the sky and the stars and the moon, and she doesn't think that Brave Vesperia will be spilling her secrets anytime soon. "You have done your given duty to your kingdom, your commandant, and your princess with satisfaction and fidelity." The words are easy and come like this is normal even though she's still shaking on the inside.

Princess Estellise doesn't shake.

"Therefore, I officially pardon you from all assumed slights, misdeeds, and wrongs done in the name of Commandant Alexei Dinoia and accept your apology in exchange for this. Be at ease, Captain."

She reaches out now and strokes a hand through his hair, brushing it away from his downturned face.

"Be at ease."

"Thank you, Your Highness."

Something melts away then, something that had been weighing him down. It's the same feeling he has after he's been wearing his armor and heavy Captain's coat all day and he takes it off to put on his lighter, less constricting clothes. Maybe armor was never really his thing in the first place.

Raven wants to crumple to the ground. His legs feel so weak and he's dizzy and lightheaded, but there's strength there he didn't know he had and he grabs it as he turns his face upwards; his hair held back by Estelle's hand. He lets the ends of his mouth curl up just enough and he doesn't have to think about it. He doesn't have to think about his words or his accent because it just all falls into place.

"Thanks, Estelle. Maybe now this old man can start livin' like he should."

And he wants to. He knows it's not going to be easy and he knows it's going to take _time_ because these things always take time, but now he can see that time isn't something he should hate. Because deep down that is what this has all been about. Hating time and what it has done to him and the people around him. He never thought about the prospect of time; of what _could_ be instead of what _will_ be.

It'll be a way of thinking he has to get used to using and it's not going to be easy. He'll probably need a smack or two from a very determined pink haired princess to keep him on the right track (and he knows she will not hesitate or complain about being able to do that again).

He was able to pick up the pieces once before; and while they never felt like they were in the right place he at least still had all the pieces. He just needs to line them back up in the way _he_ likes.

Standing up Raven runs a hand through his hair from root to tip and starts.

"Wow, you did a fine job in gettin' those tangles out, but uh-" casting a glance to the ground, he feels a sheepish grin cross his face as he holds his hair back in a bundle off his sweaty neck. Captain Schwann gone, he still feels a little bit odd with his hair down. "You wouldn't happen to know where my hair tie went, would ya?"

Estelle feels something loosen inside her when he speaks again, shaking away Schwann and coming back as Raven. Who Raven is she's still not entirely sure, but she knows that she wants to know and, hopefully, she'll get that chance. If he'll let her get to know him.

She matches his tiny, crooked smile with one of her own, almost giddy with a relief she can't nail down, before giving her eyes a quick and furious scrub with the back of her hand. It comes away wet.

At Raven's question, Estelle furrows her brows a little bit and pats around on the log. She's sure she didn't give it back, now the question is where exactly she put his tie… She finds the little loop of cord after a few moments of searching, stretching it between her fingers.

"I found it!" she exclaims and glances up, reaching out a hand to offer the tie. "Here! You can—" she pauses a little, "Or…I can, if you'd like." She cocks her head and lets her smile widen. It happens easily and she doesn't even have to try and Estelle hopes that it stays this way, that'll always be this easy to smile at him.

Just because she can.

Raven looks down at the little ratty black tie being twirled around in Estelle's hand. He meets her eyes and shrugs. "Why not?"

He settles himself back down on the grass and stares at the fire, leaning against the log. Raven is tired now and he can probably sleep for a whole day if he has the chance, but he won't because that would be a waste of a day. Someone has to make sure these kids stay on track. And things are still a little bit awkward, but not in a bad way. In the way that he knows he just needs to get to know Estelle better. In the way that he knows can be changed.

Silence falls and it's not uncomfortable. There's the fire, the night creatures, and the small snapping noises coming from Estelle twisting his hair tie into a knot and when she is done she rests a hand lightly at the base of his pony tail and he doesn't want to run away. They stay like that, for a little; listening to the fire and thinking.

Neither says a word, but when Estelle's hand shifts to her mouth trying to cover a yawn Raven leans back and looks at the girl, a little bit of guilt in his small smile. "Looks like I kept you up past your bedtime. Maybe it's time for Estelles to be getting their beauty sleep."

Estelle cuts off another yawn and shakes her head from side to side.

"I-I'm not tired!" she says and it's only half true because she's always kind of tired lately, "Really, I'm fine."

She doesn't want to go back to bed even though she can feel another yawn coming on. She wants to stay here in the warmth and shadow; the atmosphere between them is completely different now. Still a little strange but in a good way, better than it ever was even before everything went wrong, and she doesn't want that to disappear like it never happened. She wants to remember this and cherish it all, even though she's tired and she's uncomfortably hot from the fire and she's positive that she's got a couple of bug bites now because she didn't use any of Karol's spray before coming out here.

When she wakes up in the morning, will it be like it always was? Like nothing's changed between then, like nothing's been smoothed over and made new?

Estelle doesn't want that, not at all.

Raven picks himself up off the ground and dusts his pants off. "I might be a fool, but I like ta think I'm pretty good at seeing through a small lie. If I'm tired," Sitting down on the log next to Estelle, he raises an eyebrow at her. "You've gotta be exhausted."

He notices, suddenly, that she looks hesitant. Tired, but tentative. Admittedly he doesn't really want to lose the company, but he would feel bad if she was overtired tomorrow; they had another long day ahead of them.

"Now now, don't give me that look." Raven lifts his hand and rests it on top of her head lightly. "There's plenty of nights and fires in our future, right?"

Estelle can't help but agree, reluctantly. She _is_ tired and she knows that the night watch is hitting the halfway mark and that soon, Yuri will be coming around and honestly, she kind of doesn't want to deal with him right now. Not when things are still so strange and Yuri always seems to know when she's off, and she knows that he'll get the completely wrong idea if he notices. And he _always_ notices.

She doesn't want to put that on Raven to deal with.

Rubbing at her eyes a little, Estelle shoots him a half-hearted glare and eventually drops her head to concede his point.

"Okay…okay. You win," she says and gets to her feet; bare feet because she never bothers to put on shoes when she's up this late. "I'll see if I can't get myself some shuteye, then." Before she turns to leave, however, Estelle takes a step closer to lean in just a little bit to say ever so quietly, "I'm holding you to that, you know." A little louder, then, she says a little less seriously, "Goodnight, Raven."

Before she leaves, she reaches out one last times and tweaks Raven's bangs in a way that's just slightly different.

Because he's still Raven but, she'd like to think, a slightly different Raven.

And if anyone has anything to say about that, they'll have to go through her first.

Raven flashes his best grin. "Heh, duly noted." He waves as Estelle turns and makes her way back to her tent as cautiously as she had come. "Goodnight, Estelle."

Then he is alone and all he can hear is the fire and all he can feel is the wind blowing across the camp and all he can see are the stars. It's…new. He's been at many campfires and he has been on many night watches, but this one feels new. Maybe this is what it is like to have some inkling of hope because Raven can honestly say he doesn't remember what that is like. And honestly it doesn't surprise him that the young princess who shocks everyone was the one who took him for a spin when he least expected it.

_You've got a lot ta live up to now, Raven._

Between the crackling of the fire, which was now slowly dying down again, Raven hears feet shuffling to his left and he doesn't need to turn to know who they belong to.

"Good morning, Mr. Lowell." Turning he flashes his teeth at the young man walking over to the small fire pit; sword in his hand and Repede at his side.

Yuri approaches the campfire with quiet in his steps but not quite enough, just in time to take the second night shift.

Raven's not pacing the perimeter of camp like Yuri prefers or up against a tree like Estelle or _in_ a tree like Karol; he's parked on a log in front of the fire.

"Hey, old man," he says in place of an actual greeting and rests a hand to Repede's head, watches it slide down the dog's back as he walks forward where Yuri stops. He also watches Raven reach out and give Repede a quick scratch underneath the collar. "My turn."

He can't nail it down but something in this feels…funny. He's used to the tension whenever Raven's around –he doesn't like it but he realizes part of its inevitability- but something feels funny. There's a strange _lack_ right now and it puts him on edge a little bit, even though it should be reassuring.

"Anything exciting?"

"Nah." Raven gives Repede one last pat and leans back on his hands until he's almost falling off the log he's sitting on. "Quiet as quiet gets; should be an easy night for ya."

_Or it's been the complete opposite_. But Yuri doesn't need to know that. Not right now at least.

But the good thing about Yuri (which is unfortunately the _bad thing_ about Yuri right now) is that he is extremely observant. So he will figure out that things were (are) anything but quiet and he will make a point to figure out _why _and Raven knows that he's practically bleeding weird behavior tonight so hopefully he'll ask the questions later because Raven is tired. _Very_ tired; to the point where he's not sure his legs will take him all the way back to his rolled up sleep mat and allow him time to unroll it before they give out.

Repede lets out a small huff of air as he lies down directly on his feet and Raven leans over to look at the dog. "Much appreciated, but I'm gonna need those in a minute."

Yuri narrows his eyes a little and shifts on his feet, the weight of his blade at his belt strangely heavy.

There's nothing he could say if someone asked him for details, but something in Raven's face or maybe in his voice or maybe in the way he's sitting screams at him that it hasn't been an easy night at all. He puts up a good front but Raven rarely looks legitimately tired like he does now, all lines and shadows in his eyes.

"Well, let's hope it stays quiet," Yuri mutters and plonks himself down on the log opposite of the former captain, surreptitiously looking him over to try and figure out what's different.

And then he gets stuck.

"…what happened to your hair?" he asks, eyeing the ashy bangs that are rearranged in a different way and the ponytail that's still poofy but neater than usual, like someone actually took the trouble to brush it out.

_Aw, crap_.

Yuri Lowell is, as usual, as perceptive as ever.

Raven crosses his eyes as he looks up at his bangs which he didn't even notice had been arranged slightly different than normal by Estelle. Twisting his mouth to the side in order to put on his best confused face, he shrugs nonchalantly before looking back to Yuri. "What? Can't a guy take the time to make sure his hair is presentable? You never know when you're gonna meet up with someone you might want to look good fer."

Yuri does not look convinced. He raises an eyebrow and remarks flatly. "It's 3am and we're in the middle of nowhere."

"I'm having a good hair day?" _Come on kid, let it go. Just this once, please._

Yuri sighs and looks away. He almost wants to start something, almost. But the old man's right; it's late (or early?) and either way, it's too late or too early to be starting anything that can't get finished, no matter how badly he wants to push the matter.

And oh, he wants to push it.

People don't just suddenly change how they do things, Yuri knows that for a fact, and he can't pin down what happened but something's changed in the time since the first watch began.

Essentially, Yuri Lowell is extremely confused.

Yuri Lowell does not like being confused.

"Fine," he eventually says with another, rather put-upon sigh and an eye roll, "Keep your secrets, gramps." He knows they're there like a locked box right in front of him but that's not his box to touch and he knows that too. "I've got this, then. Better go get your beauty sleep; you need all you can get."

Raven hangs his head with a sigh and shakes it slightly as he pats Repede to get the dog off his feet. "One day you'll appreciate the beauty that can only come with time."

"Gray hair and wrinkly skin?"

"Hey, hey! I might have a few grains of salt but I'm mostly pepper yeah?" Standing up Raven puts a hand to his chin and winks. "But no wrinkles on this old man, yet."

Yuri rolls his eyes and Raven flashes a grin as he turns towards the guy's tent, ever grateful that he's being let off easy this time because he knows next time he won't be let off easy at all. Everyone's going to notice a change and he's both glad and a little scared. Okay, he's _very_ scared.

There's a lot to figure out; what he wants, who he wants to be, how he's going to succeed in it all and at the same time he's going to have to convince these kids that he really is trying to change for the better. They don't trust him (well, minus Estelle and he likes to think she's the one that matters the most after all that's happened), but he doesn't blame them. He'll just have to prove himself.

After he sleeps.

Raven puts a hand in the air as he shuffles towards the tent a yawn catching in his throat. "Night, Yuri."

"Night."

Yuri returns the wave and watches the other man retreat into the tent where Karol's still passed out on his back just the way Yuri left him. He can't help but feel the same way he does when it's about to rain; it's a change that he can just feel straight down to his bones and he knows that it's bigger than just a little difference in hairstyle.

Repede lays down next to him and Yuri pats him on the head and scratches behind his ears.

The night's still so quiet, weirdly so now that Yuri's alone again, and he stares up at the stars for a reason he can't quite fathom. He can see Brave Vesperia shining above them all, not the biggest but the brightest by far, and maybe the others won't change but he knows that Brave Vesperia will. Just like their little guild, their weird, weird mishmash of people who shouldn't be there but are.

Raven, too, despite everything that's happened.

Yuri doesn't want to think about this right now. At all.

So instead of thinking about it he sets his sword down and instead of getting up to do his usual routine of pacing he stays where he sits on the mossy log, unusually still, and stares into the dying fire.

He can afford to be still, for now, if it means he doesn't have to think about what it means when someone stagnant decides to change.


	2. Chapter 2

Raven knows from the start that the day is going to be long and difficult. He knows it from the very moment Yuri prods him awake in the morning with a pointy boot to the back and from the way the back of his eyes hurt and the way his hearing is muffled and the way his feet want to drag across the ground. His arm muscles shake, his throat is dry, and brain feels like it's stuffed with cotton balls. There is no way this day could have been anything short of nearly impossible.

He had fallen immediately asleep after his discussion with Estelle, but three hours weren't nearly enough to counter the exhaustion that has overtaken him. Not when the minute he closed his eyes he found himself standing on a battle field (_the_ battle field) watching himself, his old self, fight for his life. Really, he would have been better off just _not_ sleeping at all, but that still wouldn't have made the day any easier.

He isn't expecting Estelle to act as if nothing had happened. He doesn't want her to act as if nothing happened because that would be weird and hard to fake. Impossible to fake. But he did not expect the air between them to be so…_different_. It isn't bad or awkward or heavy, but it's still strange and new and something that is going to take time for him to get used to. Like how she asked him how he was feeling at breakfast or how she thanked him during battle for healing Yuri before she could finish casting her spell. It sent a little shock down his spine, she would giggle at the look of surprise on his face, but then he'd smile (perhaps a little more genuinely than he has in years) and they'd have a short conversation. Nothing in depth, but still different.

There is a new balance that Raven has to find and he has no idea where to start looking for it. He wants to change, spirits does he _want_ to change, but how do you know _what_ _you want_ to change when you've been playing designated roles for as long as you can remember? It's like giving a painter who's only been allowed to use with red paint his whole career an array of ten colors and telling him to have fun. First you have to try each color and see what you like and don't like, then you can mix colors and expand your options even further and once you've made yourself content, you have to turn around and face everyone else. Because once you stop painting in red, people are going to notice.

And Raven feels like _everyone_ has noticed. He keeps telling himself that he's being paranoid, that Yuri isn't staring at him just slightly more often than usual today (with that narrow eyed 'I know you're hiding something' stare) and that Karol isn't avoiding easy conversation with him. That Judy isn't stirring up light banter for any reason other than the fact that she has a lot on her mind. At least Rita isn't acting any different towards him (thank goodness for small miracles; he can always rely on their genius mage to be mostly predictable). So he has gone through this day so far hoping that other than some suspicious glances, no one has noticed anything too drastic. After all, before now no one ever noticed much about him; why should that change when the only person who has been given a reason to look at him differently is Estelle?

On top of everything, Raven feels like he has _so_ much to work through. He _knows _he has a lot to work through. He aches inside when he thinks about his conversation with Estelle. He's scared about how he is going to have to think about his past now instead of ignore it like he has been doing and how he is going to have to, somehow, forgive himself for everything he knows he's done wrong. How he will eventually have to talk to everyone about different things. How he needs to figure who he wants to be and how he will get there and how people will react and so, so, _so_ much more.

…No wonder his head is pounding.

Although at the moment, Raven isn't sure whether the heartbeat in his ears is from the lack of sleep and long hours of overthinking or if it's from the blastia in his chest. His eyes settle on Estelle, on the bright gleam of light where the princess is standing, and then over to Rita who is concentrating on the formula panel in front of her, the rest of the world forgotten. The rest of the group is standing in a circle around the two of them, Raven included, handing over their lives to create a new life.

Khroma had given them a run for their money and it had been a hard battle to get her approval, but she agreed to become a spirit in the end. She agreed to hand over her current existence and become someone, something, entirely different. Raven feels like she's way stronger than he is because he's trying to do the same thing (well, not exactly the same thing but something similar), but he's scared to do it. Perhaps Khroma was scared, although she certainly didn't let it show if she was. So Raven is happy to stand here and allow his life force to go to something, someone, better and stronger than him (saving the world from the giant tentacle monster in the sky is also a good reason).

Doubled over with a firm fist around the sun shaped metal plate in his chest, he ignores the way his blastia stutters, causing his entire upper body to seize and his breathing to catch in his throat. He straightens up when the circle around his feet dissipates and he ignores the shaking in his frame. He felt like this when they had converted their first spirit, Undine, too. It would go away the next day like it had then. He doesn't know if the others have similar effects to their bodies or if it was just because his blastia can be affected in different ways than other blastia. Everyone was so surprised at meeting Undine that no one talked about it afterwards. Maybe everyone else was feeling just as shaky as he was. Either way, Raven isn't going to ask. If he does ask and they aren't feeling the same, then they'll know he's weak because of his blastia.

Estelle won't like that and then she'll start to worry and she doesn't need that, at all. Yuri won't like that because he'll see it as a reason to harp on Raven. Not that he needs a new reason; Yuri's found almost every angle to come at Raven from, but weakness or being a weight in battle has never been one of them thus far. Rita won't care, which is both hurtful and kind of nice and Judy…well, Judy will be Judy (there's really no other way of putting it). Karol is a tossup; he might yell at Raven about not mentioning it and he might side with Yuri. Raven knows that the youngest member of their team is trying to make his own way and do things by his own rules, but it's hard at that age. He looks up to Yuri and Estelle and, well, all of them in one way or another.

So he stands quietly and interjects from time to time on the discussion that follows the end of the conversion and when it's all over and Sylph has been named by Estelle, Raven lets out a sigh of relief as they slowly make their way out of the aer krene, trailing behind the rest of the group. Finally, after a long day of trekking, they could go somewhere and set up camp and Raven can pull the old man card in order to be alone and rest and think and just take the time he needs until the morning. Hopefully the ground underneath his feet will stop spinning and little sounds won't echo in head like bells at a wedding. Once the morning comes he won't have that time anymore because they'll be back on their journey to find the last Entelexeia and Pheraoh in order to make the last spirits, and he'll have to go back to worrying about other things like the Adephagos and Duke and the end of the world.

It's unexpected then, when Karol materializes next to Raven. He doesn't say anything right away but walks quietly, shifting his bag when it slips on his shoulder to the wrong angle. Raven's okay with this; suspicious, but okay.

"Hey, Raven." Karol starts simply. There's no suspicion in his voice, but there's a hint of worry. "Are you feeling okay? You look kind of….pale."

_Crap_.

"Ya think so? Maybe I outta get some more sun; we've been spending so much time underground inside aer krene recently I might be losin' that sun kissed shine." Raven grins down at Karol who doesn't look the least bit persuaded.

And Karol isn't convinced. He was standing next to Raven during the spirit conversion and it was hard to miss the way he grabbed his chest and breathed heavy; as if he had just ran the distance from Heliord to Dahngrest without stopping. The older man had spent more time doubled over, hands on his knees, after it was finished than any of the rest of them and while no one else seemed to have noticed him wobble on his feet, Karol did.

The spirit conversion was… not fun. It made him feel wonky and weak and it hurt in a way that it didn't hurt, but at the same time it did. Karol knows he's handing over his very life, and that's okay because as Raven said when they were first going to convert Undine, this was worth it. If they could save the world, what were a few years off their own lives? Afterwards Karol was tired and he knew that he'd be sleeping well that night, but Raven just looks…ill. Raven is usually the one with all the energy, the one dong backflips just to infuriate the rest of them, but not today.

"You're not sick are you? You've been acting weird all day." Karol looks at Raven and can't help but notice the way the older man closes his eyes for a second; like he's wishing he could be anywhere but where he is and doing anything aside from what he's doing.

"I'm fine kid. Ol' Raven didn't get a good night's sleep, that's all."

Yup, something is definitely going on. Karol narrows his eyes up at Raven; to hell with not looking suspicious. Karol likes Raven, somehow, and he wants him around and he hates that he knows the man is lying to him; it hurts, really. Raven lies a lot and while he is a good liar, a very, _very_ good liar, it stings Karol every time he does it. And Karol doesn't know if it hurts because he knows that Raven is lying, even after all they've been though, or because maybe Raven feels like he still _needs_ to lie to him. It's not like any of them ever asked Raven to be honest with them. Karol himself is a little scared to know what honestly would be like from Raven; it might hurt more than his lies.

Estelle's _tired_.

It's not like she's unused to not sleeping at this point –in fact, she's probably better at it than she should be- but she's pretty sure that it has more to do with the new everything she has with Raven right now. She's tired and yet still so on edge and she can't help but feel attuned to him, hyperaware, always keeping him on her radar. It's not that she thinks he's going to go off and do something crazy –except that they've all gone off and done crazy things so it wouldn't be too out of the ordinary- but she's never felt like…

Well, she's never felt like she's really needed to worry quite so much as she does about Raven. A lot of it's tangled up with guilt and shame but the rest of it's simply because he's a friend who, honestly, needs the looking after.

If Estelle's good at one thing, she'd like to think that she's pretty okay at looking after people, and she thinks that Raven needs a lot more looking after than he thinks he does. Certainly more than he's gotten thus far.

Still, she thinks that she does a fairly decent job of keeping it all under wraps, because she knows that the rest of the group –her dearest friends- aren't anywhere near as comfortable with Raven as she thinks they'd like to be and she doesn't want to stir up trouble for him. She wants to make things better, not make them _harder_.

So she tries to be easy with it. She doesn't lie, doesn't pretend it never happened. She comes out of her tent the next morning with bags under her eyes (because she never did sleep after she left the fire, laying awake until the first streaks of morning when she could scramble out of the tent without there being questions) but a smile curling at her lips, and she goes out of her way to say good morning to Raven, to sit next to him over breakfast. She's not going to lie, she's not going to pretend. She's not going to pretend that she doesn't know.

She's better than that and Raven's better than that. She'll be subtle, she'll be easy, but lie? Estelle's never had all that much of a poker face to start with, even though lately, she's been getting more mileage out of it than she ever would have before.

So the day goes on and Estelle pretends to not be so tired even while they convert a spirit, and she names it Sylph, and it's still one of the most _beautiful _things she's ever seen in her life.

Behind Yuri and walking abreast of Judy and Rita, Estelle feels like she's slowly being boxed into…well, a box. A very small box with very short sides and thick walls with a spiky ceiling that's slowly being lowered further and further, until Estelle can't move without expecting it to hurt. Needless to say, it's making her more than a bit jumpy.

Rita's speaking but if she's being honest, Estelle wouldn't be able to repeat the words because she's been trying to not watch behind her, trying not to crane her head, trying not to look like she's doing exactly what she's doing, which is making sure that she knows exactly where Raven happens to be in the vicinity. She didn't miss the way he staggered, doesn't miss the way he walks behind all of them like he's just going the same direction and not the same place.

She wants to drift back, to walk with him, because maybe he's not a part of the group in the way he should be, but he's with _her_, or maybe she's with him. She doesn't know and doesn't really care, because it adds up the same no matter the order.

"Estelle, are you listening to me?"

"Huh?" Estelle stiffens and shifts her gaze to look Rita in the eyes. Rita, who looks more than a little exasperated to be honest, like she's just repeated herself about five times. Maybe she has; Estelle hasn't been listening. "I—I'm sorry," she says.

"Are you okay? You seem kind of off."

Estelle forces her lips upwards into what she hopes looks like a sheepish smile which ends up coming out more like a flinch, waving her hands in front of her.

"Oh, no. No, no, I'm fine. Why would you think I'm off? I'm just fine! Perfectly perfect. Never better! How about that spirit conversion, huh?"

Rita just stares at her suspiciously and Estelle cocks her head to see what Judy, observant and slightly terrifying Judy, thinks about this. The other girl's face is indecipherable, a cryptic smile curling at her lips. Estelle's never sure about that smile because Judith always seems to know _everything_ about everyone but she doesn't know this, can't know this, and she doesn't know whether the thought makes her feel better or worse.

"…are you sure?"

Her fingers tangling in the edge of her dress, Estelle nods and hopes it looks natural.

It doesn't, because Rita doesn't look convinced in the slightest. Like, at all.

"Really, I'm okay."

"Alright, then…if you're positive," Rita tells her dubiously, "But tell someone if you're not, okay? You will, right?"

And Estelle almost wants to laugh. Laugh and laugh and laugh, and then cry.

She hesitates for a heartbeat but nods again, hating the feeling of a lie settling in her stomach, "Yes, of course."

"Okay, now I know you're full of it," Rita snaps and reaches out to whap Estelle in the shoulder, "Seriously, what's wrong? You've been weird all day. We did good, you should be happy!"

"I-I am happy," Estelle protests, "I'm not being weird."

"Actually, you're being the definition of weird. And evasive! Judith, isn't she being weird?"

Estelle casts a betrayed stare over Rita's head when Judy levels a much more considering one in return.

"Maybe we ought to leave Estelle alone if she doesn't want to talk about what's bothering her," the Krityan says mildly, like it's just that obvious that Estelle's distracted and out of sorts. She supposes that it probably is.

"Oh, come off it! That just means that there's even more reason to keep asking—"

"Look, could you please just leave me alone about it?" Estelle doesn't mean to say it as loudly as it comes out but the next thing she knows, Yuri's turning around to raise his eyebrows at her and Rita's mouth is hanging open and Judy is holding up the most enviable poker face that Estelle's ever seen. She can't bring herself to so much as look behind her. Squirming uncomfortably, Estelle curls her shoulders in and adds a quiet, "I'm sorry."

Rita frowns but reluctantly drops it, startled into silence by the outburst, even though she doesn't shift her distance like she would if she were angry.

The awkward silence is even more uncomfortable than the questions.

"You should show me the new arte you learned when you get the chance; it was very creative," Estelle offers the olive branch and worries her lower lip between her teeth.

"Yeah okay," Rita replies with a slightly uneasy smile and keeps walking.

The conversation continues and the tension between them eases but doesn't quite leave.

Yuri can't resist the urge to turn around and look at the girls as he hears Estelle raise her voice. That's new. He's seen Estelle upset before, maybe a little short or to the point, but he's never hear her legitimately cross before. Seeing Rita's face at being told to stuff it is pretty amusing too.

Estelle has been on edge all day- well, all month, really. Yuri knows why and after everything she's been through recently he hasn't pushed the matter, but today was different. Today she's been acting stranger...er. Stranger than normal because everyone in their group is strange in one form or another. He's been dying to ask her to talk, to tell him what it is that is on her mind because she's not all right. No one could be all right after…_that_. All of them have been through a lot recently and Yuri would be a hypocrite if he called the others out on not talking because it's not like he's talking either. But Yuri knows better than to push it for now so he keeps walking towards the exit of the aer krene, Repede at his side and doesn't turn around.

At least not until they're outside and he stops in the middle of a generously sized field. Behind him, Estelle, Rita, and Judy are walking next to each other and talking but looking every which place but each other. That's always a good sign. Not. Behind them he spots Raven trudging along with Karol, slowly. Karol's eyes keep flicking from Raven to the ground; one of the kid's tells that he is either suspicious or worried. Or both. The old man was also acting _weird_ today and he was perfectly okay with not finding out why. Raven was just weird and that was the only conclusion that Yuri is ever going to come to.

The air is light and the sun is warm, but not uncomfortable. Maybe he should ask Judy to tell Ba'ul to land somewhere and they can just set up camp here. They're all tired after the spirit conversion; and Yuri isn't feeling his greatest after taking the second half of the night watch and very plainly overthinking things until the sun came up. Not to mention he had other things to occupy his mind.

So many other things on his mind. The guild, Alexei, the Adephagos, Flynn, keeping the group safe, his free fall from Zaude, Pharaoh, Duke, spirits, blastia, Estelle...

A glimmer of pink catches his eye and Yuri turns to Estelle, planting a small smile on his face. She's been so… not Estelle lately (who could blame her for that after what Alexei did to her). "So I was thinking we could just set-"

"Yuri!"

Yuri turns as Karol jogs up to him, carrying a small white and yellow flower in one hand. He raises an eyebrow at him. "What's this? That's sweet, Karol, but I'm not really a flower kind of guy…"

"Ugh, Yuri…" Karol sighs and he drops his head a little to shake it but quickly snaps back to attention. "This is a Honey Dew flower; giant wasps like to build their nests near them. I don't think we should stay here much longer."

Yuri nods.

_So much for setting up camp early tonight_.

Raven stands a little further away from the group than usual (sort of glad when Karol goes over to Yuri after picking up a flower) but he knows that Yuri is eying him again. He can _feel_ it but he doesn't acknowledge it. The younger man has been trying to get his attention all day (not too subtly either) and Raven's been happy to pretend not to notice because he knows Yuri is going to be the most difficult to talk to when it comes down to it. He knew the kid was already suspicious last night and Raven's not all that surprised. He's been through a lot in his twenty-one years of life and that's made Yuri strong and determined, but it has also made him wary of change and stubborn against seeing things from different perspectives. It's going to take more than just a night at the campfire to get rid of the apprehensive air between them (it's going to take more with Estelle too but not quite as much). It's something that Raven is going to have to work very hard at, even if in the end he might fail.

And that won't be Yuri's fault at all because Raven doesn't blame him, and he never will.

The others in the group might be easier; Raven hopes they'll be easier at least. Judy will understand; she may be a world-hardened girl, but she's understanding and has been there before and has a way with forgiveness that Raven finds hard to believe exists in someone who's seen so much cruelty. Rita probably won't even want to talk to him which, for as much as Raven respects her intellect and ingenuity, he's okay with. He doesn't hate the young mage, but he doesn't ever see them becoming all that close. Karol will be difficult to talk to, not as hard as Yuri, but pretty damn close. The look of despair and betrayal on Karol's face when he stepped out in full captain's armor still haunts him. He hadn't realized how close Karol had gotten to him until it was too late and during their battle at— he heard the word "father" between the sounds of swords clashing.

Raven's blue eyes focus on a dark cloud passing overhead and he wonders where it's come from, since the rest of the sky is blue and cloudless as far as the eye can see. That's when he almost misses Karol's shout of surprise and it takes just a few seconds longer than usual for Raven to realize that the black lump of leather at his feet is Yuri's sword sheath that he's discarded because there is a pack of wasps buzzing at them from three different directions.

_Oh, well, isn't this just fantastic_?

Estelle jerks to attention when she hears Karol's voice pitch high and surprised, and not a few moments later they're smack dab in the middle of a pack of wasps. All she can hear then is an angry, agitated hum and the vibration of papery wings on air.

"Aw, sheesh," Rita mutters under her breath and Estelle reaches down to grip the hilt of her sword.

It happens all at once like it usually does, and Estelle's not sure who makes the first move, whether they're attacked or they attack but the next thing she knows, she's drawing that sword and darting forward with a series of slashes and jabs that come with rainbows and music notes. She doesn't need to back up yet, not yet when the battle's just started.

Estelle keeps track of her friends, Yuri not far away from her and fighting with a bounce in his step, Judy not too far from him. There's Rita, lashing out with spells and sweeping arcs of her sash, Karol bringing his hammer down in the middle of a cluster of insects to send them flying.

And then there's Raven, set apart from all of them.

Estelle gets thrown out of her thoughts when a stinger just misses her ear, and it's with a surprised 'eep!' that she retaliates by running the wasp straight through, skittering backwards to avoid the mess when it drops to the ground in pieces. It doesn't matter how many battles they fight, Estelle will never understand how people actually enjoy doing this.

The thrill of the fight she can understand, the estimation of your own skills and knowing that you can protect yourself she can both understand and agree with, but to get pleasure from killing, even if they are monsters? She can't get that.

Still, she'll fight before she dies.

"Get with it!" Yuri tells her the next time they're close, "Focus on what you're doing!"

"S-sorry!" Estelle replies and ducks backwards to the edge of the field; it'll be better to cast for now rather than risk getting her head lopped off from inattention.

Raven releases arrow after arrow and does his dance around the field. He's still separated from the rest of the group, but this time not because he wants to be. The group of wasps has managed to get in the middle of the group, spreading them around the grassy area and he's dealing with a few more monsters than his tired arms can handle.

Looking around, Raven eyes the rest of the group; Estelle has Yuri at her back and Judy is keeping a close eye on Rita while Repede is tag teaming with Karol. Even though he's alone Raven knows there's nothing he can do but keep fighting and he's decided that he _wants_ to keep fighting.

So he does despite the pain shooting through his body right now and how hard he's finding it to breathe.

Raven ignores it as he notches his next arrow and aims high but when the string is pulled back and his lineup is perfect, his chest seizes and he chokes on a breath to start coughing and the arrow misses its mark by miles.

With a stumbling step forward, Raven ducks under the wasp he missed as it dives down at him, its stinger ripping a tear in his jacket as it barely misses his shoulder. He whirls around and folds his bow up in favor of his dagger and clips the wings off the over grown bee. It falls to the ground on its back, wriggling and flailing and Raven dips down to slice it in half.

That's when his vision starts to blur and the world tilts dangerously to one side. Raven suddenly finds himself on his knees, a hand grabbing at his blastia as it stutters in an unfamiliar beat.

_What the hell?_

Someone's calls his name, but Raven can't make out whose voice it is; all he knows is that it sounds far away and echoes in his ears like a voice off a canyon's walls. He shakes his head and tries to clear away the fuzz clouding his mind, but that only makes the world spin faster. Someone grabs him and everything goes dark—

Estelle sees it out of the corner of her eye, sees Raven raise his bow to loose an arrow, sees him stutter as if in slow motion. Sees him miss his shot and then drop like a stone.

She didn't miss Raven falter earlier after they'd converted Sylph, hadn't missed him raise a hand to press it to his blastia like it was going to fall right out of him, hadn't missed him go pale or breathe hard and look like he hurt. But then they hadn't had _time_, they got attacked, and now she wishes that she'd spared just a few moments to move closer, to do _anything_.

And she doesn't realize when the circle underneath her feet goes out mid-cast right before she was finished, and she doesn't realize how loudly her voice carries across the field when she lets out a scream she doesn't know she's capable of making, and she doesn't realize how Yuri stops and stares when she darts around him to barrel through the fray.

"I'll protect you!"

She won't let him die, not when this is all so new, not when she's only realized how miserably she's failed.

And Estelle finds herself skidding in front of Raven and dropping down next to him just as another wasp replaces the one he downed.

She doesn't think at all about whipping out her blade and tearing it down.

"Raven, Raven, are you alright?" Stupid question, she thinks, of course he's not, "What's wrong?" she asks a little frantically, alternating between watching him and watching the battlefield. He's taking quick and shallow breaths and gripping tightly at the area of his blastia, and Estelle stays down with him, crouched down and defensive. With her free hand, she reaches out and grips him by the upper arm, shouldering him a little closer to her, "It's going to be okay, I've got this, it's going to be okay—!" She doesn't know what's wrong with him, can't stop long enough to find out. All she can do right now is stay where she is and doing the fighting for both of them until she can make it all _stop_. "I've got it, I promise. You're going to be alright!"

They just keep coming, and Estelle lashes out again, over and over again because there's no way that she can't, because if she doesn't fight they won't get out of this alive.

She's only got one blade, though, and it's not long before they're surrounded and she loses count of how many she kills, how many there are, and she doesn't see it coming when suddenly, there's a stinger going in one side of her arm and out the other, staining white fabric red.

Yuri sees Raven miss his shot; as weird as that is because Raven _never_ misses and then the older man hits the dirt; his bow popping out of its lock as it falls from between his fingers; it tumbles and unfolds violently a few feet away, its string snapping with a loud twang. Yuri freezes and his feet jerk in Raven's direction but that's when he sees Estelle stop dead, turn foot and race at the archer with an almost unbelievable shout on her lips. Then red splatters across white and pink and nothing else matters.

"Estelle!" Yuri knows he's yelled her name but he can't hear his own voice above everyone else's cries.

Tripling his efforts, Yuri takes down bug after bug as he makes his way across the small field, his eyes never leaving Estelle. Her sword drops to the ground soundlessly and the princess hits her knees as her left arm falls limply to her side. Despite the red quickly spreading down her sleeve to drip off of her finger tips, she's still in front of Raven, still defensive against the last few wasps charging at her.

Rita's piercing voice rips through the air and a slew of fire balls fly by Yuri's head to take out the final monsters. Tossing his own sword away, Yuri drops down in front of Estelle and pushes Raven aside (flings him aside really) with a little more force than he means to. Raven's blue eyes meet his own dark ones for a moment; widening and sparkling with pain and something extremely akin to fear before he falls to the side the world lost to him.

By this time the rest of the group has converged with about fifty of their own questions. Rita swoops in next to Yuri, a couple of creative curses on her lips, and Karol drops down next to Raven to shake him slightly.

"Raven?" Karol sounds stuck somewhere between angry and scared. His own breathing speeds up as the older man doesn't respond. He feels like he's being torn in two and he's not sure who exactly he should be worrying about more at the moment: Estelle who's bleeding, bleeding so much and so fast and who isn't caring at all or Raven, who's stark white and unconscious and breathing like the air isn't reaching his lungs.

Maybe the real reason for his panic is that Karol can't believe he would have to make that kind of choice, ever. He should just be able to worry about them both equally but for some reason he can't. The rest of the group would look down on him for it, especially Yuri. But Estelle would hate him for worrying over her and not Raven, but Rita would probably hit him (again, like always) for not worrying enough about Estelle. Judy… well, Judy scared him because he just wouldn't know what she's thinking because he never knows what she's thinking.

This is wrong. So wrong, but Estelle has the rest of them hovering over her right now because she's just going to sit next to Raven and hover over him; even if he can't do a damn thing to help him because that's the way it always feels. All the knowledge he has (and that's a rather large stockpile of random facts) and it always feels useless. He couldn't even warn Yuri fast enough about the flowers before they got attacked. Karol's always a minute too late with just the right information and he's not sure if that's better or worse than not having the information at all

Judy kneels down behind Estelle and rips a piece of cloth from the small skirt (well something like a skirt) around her waist and quickly ties it around the wound. "Sorry if this hurts, but we need to stop the bleeding."

Taking Estelle's arm in his hands, all Yuri can see is red. Red spreading over white and red all over his own hands just like the red from their fight in the Zaphias; the fight that never would have happened had it not been for Raven's betrayal.

This red is the same as that red. Raven seems to always paint with red.

"Estelle, are you okay? What were you thinking?" Yuri's hands shake and he hates the way they shake, but when it comes to Estelle he always seems to lose his repose. His hands fumble as they try to take her glove off, but the fabric is slick. "Dammit, that looks awful. Does it hurt?"

Estelle shakes out of Yuri's grip.

"What do you think you're doing? He's hurt!" She protests and kneels down on the ground next to Raven, right alongside Karol. He's out cold, and she doesn't think as she presses her fingertips to his jugular, feeling his heart race rabbit-quick. She considers her healing artes but changes her mind at the last moment; this doesn't seem like something she can heal. Not the way she'd like to.

"Estelle, _you're_ hurt—" Rita begins, but trails off when Estelle interrupts her.

"I'm fine, it doesn't matter, I'm fine," Estelle replies absently, "Raven? Raven, come on , it's going to be alright, wake up." He doesn't, can't answer her, and she whips her head around to glare sharply at Yuri, "Why would you just throw him around like that?!"

Yuri starts. "Whoa whoa, what?"

He doesn't really know what to say outside of that. Estelle's eyes narrow at him and he puts his hands in the air and shakes his head. She looks so _angry_. Yes, he was a little rougher with Raven than he had intended, but he wasn't the one bleeding all over creation. Raven was the _reason_ for the panic and high tension right now.

"If you want to help Raven," Judy sweeps in, her voice soft and soothing like usual. "We can't have you, our healer, passing out on us."

Estelle shifts to look behind her at Judy a refusal already on her lips. "But-"

"No buts, Estelle!" Yuri almost yells. Almost. The princess' face is going paler by the minute and white cloth Judy had tied around her arm was already completely crimson and he was, admittedly, starting to freak out a little. Estelle can be brash at times, but this was borderline reckless. "What's come over you? You're _bleeding_. He's not and that's the end of it."

That's when Yuri catches Judy's eye and the Krityan is very clearly telling him to shut up before things get worse. Not that it would take all that much more to make things worse at the moment, but she is right, there is no need to add to the chaos if he can help it. Still, he's nervous and curious and a little more than bewildered at Estelle's behavior today (specifically right now), but now's not the right time. He knows he has a problem with putting his curiosity first and he has to break that habit. It always seems to get him in trouble quicker.

Taking a breath Yuri nods and turns back to Estelle trying to soften his words. "Look, let's get you healed up and Karol will watch Raven okay?"

Rita lets out a scoff. "Karol's the only other one that heals here, considering the old man here is useless at the moment!" Whipping a hand out she smacks Karol on the back of his shoulder causing the boy to tumble forward from where he was crouching down onto his knees. "Hey, kid, make with the green circles."

"Ow! Rita!" Karol rubs his shoulder turning a glare towards the mage. Why does she always have to hit so hard? Why does she have to hit in the first place? "I can't heal like Estelle can; not big injuries like this. I don't wanna hurt her by mistake. I mean, can't Estelle heal herself?"

Yuri fights the urge to hit himself in the forehead. Of course she can, that's probably why she was the only one not freaking out right now. He's overreacting and he wishes he had a valid reason for it, but all he can see is Estelle's blood (again) and he just wants to freeze the world and make everything better for her. She's bled enough at the hands of others and he can't stand to see it again.

If he can't keep her from bleeding her can't help her and if he can't help her he can't help himself and if he can't help himself he can't help this world. Everything is so closely connected that if he slips up just once then it'll all come crashing down.

Again.

So right now they get Estelle healed and then they figure out what's wrong with Raven and then they can get out of here and keep going. Because that's all Yuri knows how to do right now: just keep moving forward because if he pauses to think too much he might not be able to get up the energy to move again. Last night, after Raven had left him alone by that campfire, he thought too much. The morning came and he felt heavier and more scared about things than ever before.

But right now, Estelle isn't paying attention to any of them anymore. Instead she has focused back on Raven, whose eyes flutter open but don't focus on anything. He lets out a small groan, a hand absently going right for his blastia and clutching tightly.

Estelle's at his side grabbing his hand as Karol leans in. "Raven?"

"Estelle?" Yuri takes a step forward. She is still bleeding and not caring. "You need to-"

The princess suddenly snaps her head to the side looking at Rita. "Rita, it's his blastia. Could you maybe figure out what's wrong?"

"Estelle?" Still bleeding.

"I don't think I can heal this so maybe if we can figure out why this happened-"

"Estelle?" Still…

"I wonder if the spirit conversion has something to do with this. Oh, why didn't you say anything Rav-"

"Estelle!" Yuri sees white at the corner of his eyes. He rushes forward, ignoring how everyone freezes at his sudden movement, and grabs a handful of purple jacket to drag the archer up towards him until their noses are touching. "What the _hell_ is your problem, old man?!"

His shout echoes all around in the sudden silence that has fallen upon the field.

Estelle's still not quite sure how it happens, but suddenly Yuri's stepping forward to grab Raven by the collar. Raven, who's wide-eyed and shaken. Raven, whose face is stark white and wearing an expression horrifically resigned to such treatment. Raven, who still looks sick and in pain.

And then she forgets the pain shooting up and down her body, forgets that she actually has a legitimate hole in her arm that's bleeding through the makeshift bandage, forgets that she really ought to heal herself, and instead gives herself over to something she's not quite so familiar with: an indignant rage that makes her run hot and cold by turn. It's a rage that makes her shake because that's _it_, that's just _it. _She's had enough.

Gloved fists clench into steadily reddening palms.

It's not enough.

It's never enough.

"Yuri—Yuri, _stop_!"

Estelle shoves herself through Rita's concerned and questioning fingers, reaching out to tug Yuri away from Raven. She pushes on his chest to throw him back a pace, managing only because he's gone slack with shock.

"Estelle, what are you doing?"

She puts Raven behind her, ignoring the way he doesn't resist her either, probably for the same reasons as Yuri.

"That's—enough," She says through gritted teeth, "That's _enough_, stop hurting him. Stop it."

Raven's staring at her and she doesn't meet his eyes, instead keeping her own locked on Yuri. She doesn't realize that she's breathing hard through her nose or that the fingers on her left hand have gone numb. From pain? From poison? She doesn't know and she doesn't care because it's the very last thing on her mind. The only thing she hears is her heartbeat ringing in her head like the drums on festival days and she knows that this is unlike her, knows that she's been in worse situations and hasn't lost it yet.

She's kept her composure through things that have had everyone else panicking and losing it. Maybe it's just because she's stupid, but Estelle can't make herself care about the whys, only the whats.

And none of the whats are too happy.

Raven's not quite sure what to think. He's very, very confused. The last thing he vaguely remembers is Estelle standing in front of him and then… Yuri?

But Yuri is here now, in his face and yelling something at him, but Raven can't quite make out the words. It's clear that Yuri is angry, very angry in the way that the young man shakes him slightly in his death grip that Raven's pretty sure is the only reason he's not on the ground anymore.

Then pink is wiggling in between them and Yuri's getting pushed back and Raven's stumbling a few steps and wishing the shaking in his knees would stop because he's certain they can't hold him up. A hand catches him in the lower back and Raven looks down at Karol who stares back, wide eyed and worried. Karol says something but the words are a jumbled mess between the pounding of a heart beat in his ears and Estelle's yelling.

Estelle is…yelling? Raven turns to see Estelle staring down Yuri and Yuri staring back open mouthed. Estelle who's covered in red. Covered in blood and pale skinned.

Suddenly everything makes sense.

The ringing in his head stops and the blurry fuzz in the corners of his eyes go away and he can hear and see and _think_ and he suddenly knows exactly what happened and what is happening. He had collapsed and Estelle had been there and now she was covered in blood and it wasn't his. It was hers. She was injured and he wasn't. She had…protected him.

And now Yuri was angry at him for it. Understandable.

But why is Estelle yelling at Yuri?

Estelle is seething; breathing between her teeth, fists clenched, and blood still flowing freely down her arm. She's staring at Yuri _hard_ like she wants to punch him and Yuri's too shocked to look anywhere other than at the princess. Rita's eyes are flicking between the two of them and Karol looks like he wants to run away, which Raven would gladly join in doing with him if he wasn't holding Raven up and if Raven could trust his feet to take him more than a couple of feet. Judy and Repede are standing together just a little behind everyone else either waiting to pull apart a fist fight or watch whatever bomb that's about to go off from a slightly safer distance.

And it's suddenly dead quiet.

Something under his skin itches and Raven decides he needs to move; he'll pop if something doesn't happen _now._ Putting a hand on Karol's shoulder he takes an unsteady step away from the kid and reaches up laying a gentle hand over the sopping wet bandage over the wound on Estelle's arm and she doesn't even flinch or look at him, but Rita does. She stalks forward and grabs his hand in hers and throws his arm back, pushing him so hard he almost falls over.

"Don't touch her! You're only going to make things worse; that's all you seem to be good at doing!"

Raven closes his eyes after a second and turns away from her. There is no use in saying anything to her or Yuri; they're too focused on Estelle right now. They never took him seriously in the past, which before was fine because he didn't want to be taken seriously. Now, though, now he wants to be taken seriously and he won't be no matter what he says. Maybe all his thinking about changing and trying to make amends is useless. A child's hope in an old man who's just too late in his years to try and find out what he wants or, more importantly, what he needs.

He's being selfish and he _hates_ it. He hasn't thought about himself and his life so much since before the war and now that he is, the rest of the group is paying for it. He hasn't been pulling his weight all day, forcing everyone else to pick up his slack, and now Estelle is taking heat for him.

Now might be a good time for Raven to bow, duck back and make for the hills so they wouldn't have to deal with him and his unreliability anymore. Then maybe he wouldn't have to feel all this regret… except that he will _always_ have this regret and he knows it.

And this will just be another piece of gald to add to the jar of regret that he carries around with him wherever he goes. What was Estelle even thinking? He doesn't remember how she started bleeding but it must have been because of him; she was there, near him, while the world spun and he thought, for a brief moment, that maybe this was finally going to be it. She had told him it was going to be okay and something in him must have believed her because he stopped panicking somewhere between falling and blacking out.

She reached out to help him and all she got in return was a terrible wound.

_Fine work there, Raven._ He was the oldest, the most experienced, he should be the one protecting them but obviously he's incapable of doing that. He can hardly watch after himself right now; let alone a bunch of children that really don't want his help (Estelle excluded at this point).

Estelle turns her icy glare to Rita and opens her mouth, but Raven quickly jumps in. He has to stop her before this escalates even more.

"Estelle, darlin', this isn't anything I don't deserve. Our genius mage is right, y'know? I messed up."

Yuri finally snaps out of his shell shock and grits his teeth as he rounds on Raven again, mad enough to spit. "Damn straight you deserve this. What the hell happened?! You've been acting weird all day, old man, then you go and topple over in the middle of battle and now Estelle's paying for it _again_ because of you!"

Estelle sees Raven back up out of the corner of her eye and feels her throat tighten like fingers. No. No, no, no. This isn't happening, not after everything that happened last night. She's not going to let this happen. She told herself she'd protect him. Maybe she hadn't told _him_ that just yet but she'd promised herself, and that was enough.

He was her friend, hers to protect.

She just…she never thought she'd be having to protect him from people she considers her friends. Her best friends. The first friends she's ever had in her short life. The first people who've ever looked at her and haven't just seen a princess who needs to be protected and hidden away.

Nevertheless, despite all of that, he's hers to protect.

"I'll decide that for myself, thank you," she hears herself snap in Raven's direction, shifting stubbornly to keep him behind her, and focuses back on Yuri, who's staring at her like he's never seen her in his life.

Estelle ignores Rita for the moment and takes a step forward, distantly aware of the way Judith positions herself just at her side, like she's ready and waiting for anything. Like she's fully prepared to step in and separate them.

And if there's not something horribly wrong with that, Estelle's not quite sure what is.

She takes another step and then another, and another until she's not six inches away from Yuri, practically nose to nose with him despite the height difference between them. Abstractly, she notes that she's vibrating with tension and beneath the confusion, he's tense and keyed up. Join the club. She feels like a box, locked up but just barely, and the sea of everything she feels burns just underneath the surface like it lives underneath her skin.

"Yuri Lowell," she says, low and ice quiet and sharp, "Don't you try to tell me that you've never done anything in your life to be ashamed of."

She doesn't know why she's doing this.

Her precious friends are staring at her in shock with expressions ranging from hurt to pure and utter confusion.

She knows it's not right, especially after last night, the way they've all treated him, and last night's revelations have a lot to do with why she's so angry right now, but her motivations aren't entirely altruistic.

There's a part of her that she knows full well has nothing to do with Raven that's been cringing this whole time, and when she looks at Raven, that part of her knows him. It's the part of her that's broken, she thinks, still broken and in so many pieces and that part of her recognizes Raven and understands that he's broken. That broken part of her knows him like she knows her own nightmares and sleepless evenings and she can't help but think that maybe if they can get past this, then there's hope for that broken part of her that she can't let anyone else know about.

If she can help him, maybe she can help herself too.

Maybe if she can protect him, they won't hate her so much when they find out that she's broken too.

"W…what?" Yuri stutters and actually takes a step _away_ from Estelle. She's furious…no, she's _livid_ and he can feel the fury radiating from her like heat waves off the pavement on a hot summer's day. But one step back is enough because Yuri is also mad. Mad and confused. Raven doesn't deserve her kindness and he certainly doesn't deserve her protection. Not when she couldn't protect herself from him. Not when she _shouldn't have to_ protect herself from him.

"Of course I have, but what does that have to do with anything, Estelle? Look at you! You just ran across a battle field to protect the very guy who betrayed you; betrayed us! That was barely two months ago and you're suddenly standing up for him? What's changed?!" Yuri throws an arm up and points a single shaking finger at Raven. "_He_ hasn't!"

Raven wants to put a hand to his blastia because suddenly it hurts. It doesn't hurt in the way that it did during the spirit conversion. Not in the way that it did in the months after it was first shoved into his body. Not in the way that it does daily when he fights or runs. But it hurts in the way that the guilt and shame he is carrying is suddenly clawing its way around it and is slowly choking its steady beat. But he doesn't reach up because any movement he makes might hurt someone else.

Yuri is right, of course. Yuri is almost always right because the kid's smarter than anyone gives him credit for. Raven hasn't given him any reason to change his opinion _or_ forgive him. Even after rejoining their group to finish this journey, he just jumped back into his old routine with the same jokes and same nonchalant mannerisms.

Come to think of it, he never even apologized to Yuri or anyone other than Estelle after the battle atop the castle in Zaphias. Estelle deserved his first apology (and his second last night) before anyone else, but he never got around to actually saying "I'm sorry" to the others. Sure, he stopped trying to be so 'sketchy' and he shared whatever information he could to help them, gave them everything he could in and out of battle, but those acts are meaningless without words.

Raven thinks that maybe he should have started thinking about changing a little sooner than last night. Well, he always _thought_ about changing; he just wishes he found a reason to _act_ on those thought before now. It could have prevented all of this. Could have prevented…a lot.

Rita takes a step towards Estelle now. A step forward and slightly to the left so that she can get closer to being between Raven and the princess. "Estelle, I know you have this constant need to help and protect others, but really, you need to figure out your priorities. He isn't worth your blood; not after everything he's done to you!"

Estelle likes to think that she's relatively even-tempered. She likes to think that, in general, she doesn't give in to her rare fits of bad-humor, which she tends to be able to brush off most things that come her way with a minimum of fuss or shouting. She knows that she can be a bit stupid but she's also the one everyone trusts to keep her head when tempers are high because she doesn't have all that much of a one to start with.

But she can't take this.

Estelle shifts her attention from Yuri to Rita, flinging out a hand to stop her movements, to keep her from coming closer. There've been times, not even times a while back but recent times, where she's reached out to draw her closer. Now she holds her back.

"No," she orders, "_You_ need to figure out your priorities and leave mine alone." Rita gapes at her and she barrels on without a care –she doesn't have enough room inside her right now to care-, "Raven's here and he's not going _anywhere_, so you can just take your antagonism and just—just—" she fumbles for an appropriate suggestion that doesn't involve swear words -spirits, she's dangerously close to swear words-, "Just shove it, okay? What right do you have to tell me what I should do or think?"

She drags in a breath, shallow and fast, and ignores the hurt that flickers over Rita's face to get back to Yuri.

"And you…"

For a moment, she honestly can't think of anything to say because she feels _everything_, so much, too much, so much that her words can't follow her feelings.

"If anyone has the right to decide what Raven deserves from me, it's _me_. You say that he kidnapped _me_, hurt _me_, and I don't have the right to treat him as I please?" The words tumble from her lips, fast and jumbled and so angry and hurt. "You don't get to tell me what to do or feel either. You don't know—" she cuts herself off because she has to _breathe_, "You don't know anything. You don't know _anything_."

Estelle can't help but remember, then, not for the first time that day, the look of absolute agony that had made its home on Raven's face last night, the entire time he talked. Despite that now it's a memory now, it still makes her hurt somewhere from a place she can't touch.

"Do you think that you didn't have any part in how things turned out?" She drags steely green eyes from Yuri to look over all of them. Karol's making little rocking motions on the balls of his feet, like he's not sure whether he wants to run away or come closer. "I know I did."

And she still remembers because a single conversation won't take back the shame, won't erase the way she ignored him and took advantage and _assumed_, and didn't even care.

Dead silence reigns.

A cold pit is now rising up through his stomach because Raven knows where this is going: it's going where it went last night. He does not want this to go there. He doesn't want to deal with that.

No.

He _can't_ deal with that. Not right now. Last night was hard. These last two months were hard. These last ten years were hard. And now that he's finally trying to come to terms with _all_ of that…he can't answer the questions they want to ask. He can't retell the story he never wanted to tell but told last night to a princess over a campfire.

Maybe he should have just stayed with Ba'ul while they did the spirit conversion, taken a sick day even though he isn't actually sick, just tired and confused and _weak_. Maybe he should have done _anything _to avoid _this_.

At least now the attention of the group is entirely on Estelle. The simmering, trembling, intense little ball of pink that is Estelle.

_Small miracles. _

Not that any of this should be happening. Estelle should not be this mad at Yuri because of him, Yuri should not be as angry right back, Estelle should not have had to stand up for him because she should not have gotten hurt. She shouldn't have had to protect him in battle because he should not have put himself in that situation. He shouldn't have been there because she shouldn't have kept his condition silent and he shouldn't have had to keep his condition silent because she shouldn't have to pretend around the group. He shouldn't have to do that because he shouldn't have kidnapped Estelle because he shouldn't have followed Alexei's orders because he shouldn't have been saved by the ex-commandant because he shouldn't have died in the war because he should have lived like his friends wanted him to.

On and on; this list never ends and Raven can't take it. All the things he shouldn't have done and all the things that shouldn't be…all because of _him_.

"I believe you're right, Estelle. I know I did as well." It's Judy who finally breaks the silence. She casts an apologetic smile in Raven's direction. "I haven't been very kind."

_Huh?_ Raven raises an eyebrow at the Krityan. She…wasn't serious was she? Judy might be one of the most cryptic people he's ever known, but he generally likes to think he can read her. Right now, he can't tell if she's being honest or if she's pushing Estelle. On any other day Raven would figure it out, but for now he is just going to blame his dizziness and leave it be.

"Oh come on, Judy, not you too." Yuri turns to cast a quick glare at the Krityan. How could Judy or Estelle have anything to do with Raven's backstabbing? They didn't do anything to wrong Raven; the old man had his intentions from the beginning.

Judy simply nods and puts her hands behind her back. "I agree with Estelle. None of us have been very honest with each other recently."

Estelle closes her eyes tight now and Yuri can't come up with a rebuttal. If that wasn't one of the truest things he's heard all day then Repede's been a cat this whole time.

He just doesn't want to admit it. None of them do. But this isn't about _that_. It's not about Yuri having killed two men (three, but thinking about the Don makes him sick to his stomach) and it's not about how Judy was the person destroying blastia or about how Karol did run away from battle and leave them in a precarious situation or Rita's anger issues or Estelle's on the fly whims. This was about Raven being a liability and about Estelle getting hurt because of it.

Yuri quickly looks at the rest of the group. Rita shrugs at him and shakes her head, looking just about as baffled as he feels and Karol… Karol looks just as guilty as Estelle does right now.

_What the hell?_

Why, spirits, _why_ does Estelle look _guilty_?! She looks pained and hurt and it's not because of the wound on her arm; it's not even for herself and Yuri just can't understand it. Raven isn't a good person; he hasn't shown them any reason to think differently. And yes, someone (maybe Estelle or Karol or _maybe_ Judy) might argue that he did save them by allowing an entire ceiling to crash down on top of him, but that isn't nearly enough to make up for what he did.

Turning back to Estelle, Yuri frowns. "Look, I know you told me that Raven apologized to you, but-"

Estelle cuts him off, her words are sharper than the edge of his own sword. "There are no _buts,_ Yuri."

"Then what? What the _hell_ is going on here!?" Yuri finds himself shouting now. He doesn't mean to, but he's just so angry and, if he's honest with himself, hurt. Estelle's never been cross with him before, not like this, and it's all because of something he's missed or doesn't understand or a little of both.

Why is Estelle so angry at _him_?

"Raven hasn't proven _anything_ to us! Not that he can be trusted, not that he's changed. He's been here with us because his life belongs to Brave Vesperia now; I am not going to let him out of my sight just so he can go and hurt other people or hurt—hurt _you_ again!"

"Why didn't you kill him when he gave you the chance? Wouldn't that have solved everything?" Estelle digs in with teeth at the shock she can see on his face. "Raven told me _everything_ that happened while I was with Alexei. Even about how he threw a dagger at you and you spared his life. If you can't trust him, why didn't you kill him then? Why did you let him live? Was it because of pity? You don't pity people, Yuri, so _why_?"

And this is something she needs to know, because she just doesn't understand.

"Because he didn't deserve to just die and not pay for what he did!"

Estelle goes stock still and the rushing in her ears gets louder like a tidal wave. She feels like she's going to get pulled out to sea by the tide, drowning in her own foreign anger.

All evidence of Estelle's good temper has fled her and as Yuri shouts she shouts right back at him, her voice pitching high and furious and not a small bit hysterical as she flings her hand back and slams it against Yuri's chest as hard as she can, right over his heart. Quivering on the spot, she looks him in the eyes and stays her hand. Blatant confusion mixed with a good deal of residual fury shows plainly on Yuri's face as he looks from her face to her hand to Raven and back to her, as shocked as if she'd actually hit him like she'd been tempted.

"You have one of these!" she shrieks at the top of her lungs, repeating the gesture once more for good measure and tangling her fingers in the fabric of his shirt. Every word is even louder against the silence. "You have one! I can feel it. So why aren't you _using it_?"

She can feel the heat building up behind her eyes and that combined with the cold in her stomach makes her dizzy. She blinks back any evidence of tears that might show, still blinded with the sort of raw fury that she so rarely gives into. That she's _never_ given into.

Yuri opens his mouth to speak and she cuts him off.

"No, you're going to listen to every word I say, and you're going to remember every last one of them. Tell me, what did any of us _ever_ do to make him feel like he belonged?" Estelle relaxes her grip but doesn't let go, "Did anyone ever even so much as _thank_ him for anything he did that he didn't have to? No! You—I—all of us, we just sat there and ignored it all because it was easy. With the way we treated him—" And here her eyes do water a bit and she raises a hand to scrub at them, unaware of the way she leaves red streaked across her face wherever she's touched, "Why was anyone _surprised_?"

"Estelle—" Rita begins and makes to walk forward only to be stopped by a hand gripping her arm.

"Let her finish," Judith says evenly, eyeing Estelle with a scrutiny that would make her uncomfortable at any other time. Still, her eyes are warm.

Estelle's surprised, a bit, to find that kind of support in Judy. The other girl's always been a mystery to her but even if she hadn't been so angry she could hardly think, the warmth in Judith's eyes encourages her to keep going. Judy's far steadier than she is and Estelle holds on tight to the agreement she's given. She's not wrong, she thinks to herself, finding strength in it. She's not wrong and she's not alone.

"Why can't any of you _see_?" she continues, voice lowering to something quiet and steely, "What did we ever give him to let him think that he should do anything different? Die now, die later…it's all the same, isn't it? Die by Alexei or die by you, what's the difference? And even with all that—even with all that, he's still here. And even afterwards, what chances did he get? You say that he hasn't proven that he's changed? You're so determined to make him the villain that why should he even _bother_? But he still does and he deals with all of this, with all of the digs and barbs and apathy, day after day after day after day and no one _cares_. What does it matter to you if he works his blastia too hard, what's it matter to you if he dies for you? After all," she spits as her vision blurs with angry tears that she can't quite keep back, "He was only trying to save his own life when it came down to it. There was nothing to get out of it, no matter what he did; what did any of us ever do for him to make him want to stay?"

Spirits, she's so ashamed of herself.

"No one _cares_ and I'm not going to let you do it anymore. I won't. I won't, I won't, I won't."

Because _Estelle_ cares and that's never going to change.

All Yuri can do is stare. Stare and open and close his mouth like a fish out of water because he's trying to get air and he's trying to speak, but his body doesn't remember how to do that at the moment. The first smack Estelle gave him to his chest pushed all the air out of his lungs and the second one made his heart skip a beat. Her hand is still pressed up to him, her fingers not so delicately grabbing at his shirt and pulling.

Yuri starts to shake his head and Estelle's hand suddenly drops from his chest and her green eyes stare at him so hard and so knowingly that he freezes.

She's right, of course. They weren't ever very nice to him, ever, and no, they never thanked him and no, they never gave him any reasons to stay, but that is because they didn't _want_ him to stay. Or so he thought. When Raven first joined their group in the forest of Keiv Moc they knew he was just spying on them. They didn't think it was going to last very long and that, after a short period of having to tolerate his perky, whimsical presence, he would be out of their hair.

And then he stayed and they still knew he was just tagging along to spy and do his shady work; they didn't realize who had actually assigned the work, but what did that matter? Raven wasn't there because he wanted to help them; he was there because he _had_ to be, because he had work that needed to get done.

Then he completed his job and he dared to show up again. At the time Yuri didn't know if Raven was genuinely trying to make up for what he had done or whether the man just didn't know where else to go and when he threw his dagger at his feet, something inside Yuri hesitated. So he tossed the dagger back and said that Raven wasn't allowed to die until Yuri said it was okay.

Raven seemed pretty okay with that. Maybe it's because he's used to his life being in someone else's hands and maybe it's because Raven knows that if he should stray again, Yuri will not hesitate to do what needs to be done, but despite all that Yuri could not, _cannot_ find it in himself to forgive the old man. Not yet. Not with so many questions left unanswered. Not with so much that needs to be made up for.

Yuri hates not knowing anything about Raven. He hates not knowing the reasoning behind his actions and he hates that he knows he'll probably never find out what the old man's thinking. That makes him a danger and untrustworthy. End of story. How do you trust someone who's as readable as a brick wall?

Maybe Yuri just hates the fact that he can't read Raven. He always thought he was a pretty good judge of character; he could tell where people came from and what they were intending to do, but Raven… no he was entirely blank and that scares Yuri. He just can't trust what he can't see.

Suddenly, it clicks. Whatever had happened with Raven last night has to do with Estelle. Something had happened before he came out for his watch. Something _big_. But that didn't matter right now; right now Yuri just wants Estelle to stop yelling, to stop crying. He'll deal with Raven later. Oh, he's going to deal with him.

Later.

"Estelle-" Yuri doesn't know what to say because, really, what the hell do you say after all that? He stops shouting and lets his voice return to his normal level. "It's not that I don't care." Because really, it's not. If Yuri has to be honest with himself, he knows that he too became somewhat attached to Raven, despite how much he hates to admit it. It's easy to be angry on behalf of others than admit than it was to admit feeling betrayal too. "It's just… I-"

"Don't want to admit that maybe the way you acted towards him had something to do with why he kidnapped me?" Estelle finishes for him.

"Estelle's right, Yuri." Karol's voice is soft and sad, so sad as he looks up at his friend. "She's right and you know it. We all knew it; we just didn't want to admit it."

Rita's hand flies through the air as she whaps Karol in the back of the neck. She hates it when other people speak for her. They don't know how she feels about anything. "Oh get real! Why would we give him a chance like that when he's never proven that he's worthy of that chance?"

Judy lets out a small sigh and Yuri can't help but think that maybe even Judy, serene, tranquil Judy, is also losing her temper. "All of us have needed to prove something to each other, Rita; that's part of being in a group like this."

"That still doesn't mean everyone _deserves_ that chance."

"How is he supposed to prove something to you when you won't give him the chance to prove it?" Karol's cheeks flush red as he steps away from Raven, dropping his supporting hand causing the older man to waver on his feet a second before finding his center. Karol's fists ball up at his sides as he looks straight up at Rita. "If he needs a reason to be nice to us but we don't give him a reason because you need proof that you wouldn't accept even if you gave him a chance to prove it, then we're stuck in this stupid endless cycle and it's _never going to end_!"

"That doesn't even make any sense!"

"Yes, it _does_. You gave me a chance didn't you?! You gave me a dozen chances! I… I wasn't reliable when we first started traveling together, but you let me prove that I had something different in me, why is he any different?"

"Because he kidnapped Estelle. He didn't run away from a stupid monster; he treated Estelle like a bargaining chip just so he could go on lying and deceiving people!"

"And I ran away to save my own life!" Karol's hand drops to his bag where his fist curls around the blastia on the on the front flap. "I can't believe I'm hearing this from you anyway. You treat blastia nicer than you treat people. I don't think you have any right to judge a person when you've isolated yourself from them to commune with…with stupid rocks!"

"Don't you dare," A magic circle appears under Rita's feet. "You have _no _right to tell me how to treat others!"

Estelle takes a step away from Yuri and towards Rita, planting her feet firmly in her casting circle. Green eyes widen and Rita's spell sputters out like water on flame.

"What are you doing? I could have hurt you!" she grits out between her teeth, wild-eyed and furious.

"Says the girl who has to _hit_ people instead of admitting she has human feelings just like every other human being on this planet," Estelle bites out in response before Raven has a chance to say a word. Not that he will, his face says plainly. She's not sure whether it's because he believes it or because he knows it won't do any good, and she's not sure which is worse. That both are true makes the sick feeling in her stomach roll over and clench. "What gives you the right to say anything? You've left _bruises_ on the people you call your friends and I've _seen_ them and I've _healed_ them, and I've never said anything about it before, but that's just—Don't talk about him like you have a clue, because you don't. Don't talk about him when you do just as much damage without even thinking about who it is that _you_ hurt. You're not blameless at all and if anyone here has any right to tell you how to treat others, it's Karol."

Rita flinches like she's the one who's just been hurt and behind her, something tight in Karol uncoils like a loosened spring.

"You hit him. You yell at him. You've shot him with fireballs ," Estelle lists off and can't make herself care that she's saying all these hurtful things. All these hurtful things that are so truthful they burn. "And you'd rather covet a crystal than someone who sleeps a tent away from you, who heals you when you're hurt and who tries so hard and—and you need to stop. You need to _stop_."

"B-be quiet! You don't know what you're talking about!"

"Don't yell at her!" Karol snarls and Rita rakes her hands through her hair, vibrating and angry and on edge.

"I can't even _believe_ this! This isn't even about you! It's about the geezer! Should have done what you ought to when you had the chance, Yuri. Pathetic!"

Yuri snaps his head at Rita, his teeth gritting together. "You make it sound like taking a life is _easy_!"

"Oh and you'd know, wouldn't you? You've killed…you've _murdered_ people!"

And Yuri stands stunned in place, unable to stop the trembling in his muscles. "That… that was-"

"Different?" Karol cuts in now. "How? I've been thinking about this Yuri, we say our guild punishes the unjust. Raven was unjust, wasn't he? Just like you've been."

"Not like Ragoe or Cumore!" Yuri can't believe this; now it sounds like he's defending Raven. Why is he trying to defend himself? Why should he have to defend himself in this situation? Maybe his ideals were more skewed than he thought. But that doesn't mean he needs to be backed into a corner by people he thought were behind him.

"Maybe," Judy interjects by raising her voice just enough to break through the yells. "Maybe none of us have any right to judge each other?"

Yuri suddenly laughs. _Laughs_. "Sure, says a barely justified terrorist."

"Yuri!"

"What?!" Yuri whirls around to realize that Estelle is the one that called his name and he can't stop himself. The words fly out of his mouth and he knows it's wrong; _so_ wrong, but caution blew away on the wind the minute Estelle started bleeding and now…now it was all or nothing. "Don't say it, Estelle! Don't say we don't know what you know or how you feel. Of course we don't'! You never _tell_ us! You-" He shakes his head and turns his body back to completely face her. "You went through _hell_ and then acted as if everything was _fine_. It's not, you're not, and we're not and you know it!

"We aren't stupid! So call me a liar and a murderer, but you've lied too. To all of us and it's all because of him!" Yuri points at Raven again. "Maybe he's not the reason for everything that's wrong with this group, but what he did to you…I don't understand how you can run in front of him and spill your blood for him when he's the one that's turned you into a locked box! I just…can't!"

There's no more stoicism, just tears and anger and hurt. It seems like an endless argument that will just keeping going in circles. "So he wronged me because I wronged him and he wronged you so you wrong him and now I'm wronging you and we've all wronged each other and we'll keep wronging each other because we're _human_! We aren't perfect and we make mistakes and we…we _break_."

Raven's been broken. Yuri, Judy, Rita, Karol…they've all been broken before. And Estelle has. Estelle _is_.

It's funny, but that's what it takes to bring everything to a grinding halt.

Everything that Estelle was going to say turns to dust in her mouth and she freezes like she's been punched in the gut, staring wide-eyed in a combination of horror and grief at everything around her. The words sink in –harsh, awful, and _true_- and all she can do is take them, dragging in a shuddering breath because if she doesn't breathe, she'll be the one on the ground.

Everything's in pieces.

Everything's broken.

Everything, including herself.

"I know," she finally forces out, more of a whisper than anything else, "I know." She knows she's a liar. She knows she's broken. She knows that she's been holding back. She knows that she's been hurting and now she's hurting others and she knows that she doesn't want to be standing here feeling like she's been shredded by claws of her own making.

That breath becomes something dangerously close to a sob.

"You're—you're—" her voice breaks, "You're wrong. You're right. But you're wrong." Shaking hands clench in darkened fabric. "I'm a liar but it's not because of him." She's a liar because she's sure that if anyone knows those dark parts of her, they'll hate her for them. She's a liar because she can't even face what keeps her up at night, much less put it on anyone else. "Yuri, if you knew…" If he knew the things she knew, the things she was afraid of, he'd definitely hate her. The very idea of talking about those things is enough to take her air away, make her freeze up and make her heart race like some frightened thing.

"I never called you a murderer," she whispers, "Or a liar."

Estelle doesn't even have a clue of how this even happened, about how it became this sort of horrible free for all, but she has enough of one and she digs in like a lioness, all teeth and claws and sharp edges. The cornered cat becomes a lion, she thinks dizzily, feeling out of control and lightheaded, feeling everything and nothing and _everything_. She's never felt like this before and she knows that she's never so much as raised her voice to anyone like this before. She knows that she's never gone off on Yuri like this, and she knows that now she's hurt him too. She's hurt everyone.

But…

They have to _understand_. Somehow, in some way. She knows she can't be the one to tell his story, but she'll be damned if anyone thinks for one second that she won't be in this man's corner for any reason other than that she _chose_ to be and that's more powerful than any excuse she can give.

Estelle can't look anyone in the eyes and she wishes that her healing didn't just work on the body. They're a mess, of all them, and she can't even look up.

"He's either ours or he's not and if he's not, you should have killed him." The words hurt because as she says them, she can't help but picture the alternative to this, where there wouldn't even be a chance to have a conversation. It almost happened. "He's _ours_, Yuri."

People should protect those that they claim.

Estelle grits her teeth and she's suddenly aware that she's crying and crying hard, tears mixing with blood, and she wrenches off her gloves to wipe ferociously at her face.

With her left hand, the arm that had gotten run through. There's no pain and Estelle remembers a whisper of a touch that seems so long ago, a touch that took the pain away, a touch that she should have noticed and acknowledged. Going abruptly quiet, Estelle gives the area a cursory swipe and finds exactly what she suspected:

Nothing.

Underneath the blood is nothing but unblemished skin without even a scar to show for it.

She can't _stop._

Estelle can't quite keep back the stuttering breath that's definitely a sob, and the hot and cold flows out of her like air from a balloon. It's a different cold now, a sadness and shame so potent that she'd rather be angry, that makes her shoulders haunch and makes her curl in on herself right there on her feet. She's not sure whether she's trying to protect herself or hide. Maybe both.

"He's made mistakes," There's that noise again, that awful noise if weakness that she can't stand, "I'm not trying to—to ignore them, or defend them, or pretend they didn't happen, because they did, and—and—" And she still hurts over those mistakes when she doesn't have anything else to think about, remembers pain sharp and mind-blowing and the way it felt to spill Yuri's blood, "But it's over, it's done, can't it be enough?" she whispers, holding her previously injured arm to her chest with a white-knuckled and trembling grip, "Hasn't he paid enough?" He's hurt and hurt and hurt, and she's hurt and hurt and hurt, and _Yuri's_ hurt and hurt and hurt too. They all have. And it's enough. It has to be enough because if it's not, she doesn't know what she can do to make it be enough.

Because she knows like she knows the rising of the sun that as long as Raven pays, Yuri pays. And they've both paid their share.

Yuri can't take it anymore; even though Estelle's openly sobbing and even though her voice says she's reached the end of her rope he _can't_ stop himself. "What kind of argument is that?! That old bastard will _never_ pay enough for what he's done! He's a liar and a cheat and he only ever thinks about himself! Ever since we've known him he's used us and spied no us and lied to us. He kidnapped you, Estelle, _kidnapped_ you knowing full well what Alexei was going to do with you and then he tried to kill us! And that's not where it ends; it's not like he's only done wrong against us! What about all the other people out there? He was a knight; a respected captain and it was all some…some disguise! It was the same thing with the guilds; he didn't deserve to be so close to the Don, not when it was nothing but a façade-"

"That's enough!"


	3. Chapter 3

_"That's enough!"_

Everyone jumps at Raven's voice because they've all clearly forgotten that he is standing there. He takes a step forward, one small exploratory step towards Estelle. Yuri freezes mid-sentence and all eyes turn to him. He thought he had hit his wall; used up his last remaining remnants of energy, but that was before Yuri took things a little too far. It is Raven's turn to see red at the corners of his eyes and just like Estelle's break down this was something he _has_ to do and he _has_ to do it now.

Or nothing will change. _Ever_.

When no one moves or yells at him he takes a second and a third and then two more until he's right behind the princess. He puts his left hand on her shoulder, ignoring the twinge in his chest from lifting his arm to its limit (because it only goes so high), she's shaking terribly, as if she's been sitting on a block of ice and all he wants to do is make her stop. He doesn't want her to hurt because of him. Not anymore. He's already caused her enough suffering and he can't bear the fact that even though something's cleared up between them she's now hurting in a different way, but still because of him.

He gives her shoulder a firm squeeze and finally finds it in him to speak. His words are quiet and slow because he's not angry at her. Not at all. "Thank you, Estelle. Thank you, but that's enough for now. For today. Okay?"

Estelle doesn't turn around but starts to shake her head in a blatant refusal. Raven simply takes one more step forward until she's behind him and he looks Yuri dead in the eyes. Dark ones narrow in response, but blue hold steady.

"I've just about had it from you, Yuri Lowell." The pressure inside of Raven's chest twists and he feels like he's finally releasing a breath that he's been holding for far too long. "There is nothing in this world that justifies you telling Estelle how she should feel, certainly not after everything she's been through." He peels his eyes away from the young man to glance at everyone else for a short moment. "That goes for _all_ of you. No one here can tell anyone else how they should act or feel, myself included. Because this isn't just about me kidnapping Estelle anymore; it's about everything else in between that we don't know and don't talk about."

Raven stops for a minute now. He has their attention and no one is going to stop him this time. He's breathing heavy and he feels light headed again but he pushes that aside because right now, this might be the only chance he has. The only chance he has to keep this group from calling it quits today. The only chance to make sure that these young children don't break like he has been broken; so completely and utterly. Taking a couple of deep and shaky breaths, Raven lets the heat on his cheeks cool a little before he continues.

"This is about how ever since she left the castle, Princess Estellise Sidos Heurassein's ideals about the world and the people she believed in were wrong. And now, while fighting to save the world, she has to come to terms with the fact that being a princess hidden from society, she was lied to and used and abused not only recently, but her whole life.

"This is about how Rita Mordio has been living on her own for nearly six years, but that's not because her parents are gone from this world. Maybe she can't understand how to treat humans because she was never truly treated like one before now.

"This is about our Judith and how she watched the world burn around her; killing her family, and friends and it was all because of a stone. She lost faith in people after all that and who wouldn't? But now maybe she is just finding it again, in all of you.

"This is about little Karol Capel and how after his parents were killed he was taken in by people out of pity. But when that sympathy ran dry he was just tossed to the next group to be looked after. Group after group took him in and tossed him out; it's no surprise he thought he would never meet people who would give him a chance to belong. So this, this group, is new and strange for him.

"This is about Yuri Lowell and how he has been treated unjustly his entire life because he was an orphan who was born on the wrong street corner in the wrong part of town. About how he is leading a group of extraordinary people with extraordinary talents to save the world and how he is the one that has to keep it together at all times, despite the fact that he's learning and growing; trying to figure out where he belongs and what he wants to fight for, just like the rest of you."

They might hate him for this and maybe Yuri will pick up one of the discarded weapons in the grass and run him through, but they have to _understand. _Understand where all of this is coming from and where this is going. He's been playing the "Old Man" card since he's met them, but he's never taken the time to teach them like the old man. He does have a responsibility to these children because he's been there before. And maybe he hated everything when he was there, but he survived and now they can endure as well. He's going to make sure they know that it's possible to live through the unlivable.

"This…this is about how I lost everything in the Great War; lost the one thing I loved and my faith and my will. Until recently, I really didn't care if I died by one hand or another and I was really hopin' that back in that basement, Yuri would do me in. But maybe now… now, after all these years, after I hit rock bottom, I want to find something to live for again. You all know very well what it's like to be broken. Broken things have sharp corners like shattered glass and those corners _hurt people_ that try to get close. So what do you do? You stay away from people even if they're the ones holding the cement that can put you back together. We've all been there and I would bet most of us are there right now!

"Don't think you have any right to talk about me like you know the whole story, because you don't. Life's a hell of a lot more complicated than right and wrong and good versus evil; maybe none of you have been around long enough to see outside the black and white but that doesn't mean you can ignore the in between just because it's _easier_ that way. I know I'm not on your A-List, but that doesn't give you the right to act like I'm not here when it's convenient for you. So if you have something to say about me, you better damn well say it _to_ me."

From there, there's only a sort of stunned silence. Even standing on grass, it's silent enough to hear a pin drop, and the only sounds are those of the rest of the world and the quiet, half-sobbing breaths that Estelle's taking as quietly as she knows how. Even Raven's silent.

Estelle doesn't look away from the ground as she takes a single step forward and lets her hands tangle in the folds of purple fabric at Raven's sleeves. She doesn't say a word, doesn't try to pull him back and away, doesn't try and take even one more step forward. She just holds, touching fabric but not skin, her own underneath the blood stark white and unnaturally pale.

Estelle wavers a little on her feet, feeling the ground beneath her shift without moving. She feels like she's been hollowed out.

Yuri looks like someone's slapped him across the face, mouth hanging open, like all of his words have been ripped out of him. Maybe they have, or maybe he just has nothing left to say. He spends at least fifteen seconds gaping at Raven, then can't help but drag his gaze over Estelle, flinching a little bit at the way she doesn't even look like she's aware of what she's doing, like she's locked herself up away from everyone.

Rita's turned away from all of them, scrubbing hastily at her eyes. She's not upset over Raven, not necessarily, but because Estelle's words still sting, the truth in them more painful than anything else. Raven's truths, too. No one really expects her to change her opinions so quickly, just her actions. That's harder than the opposite, honestly, because changing her mind is easy but habits are a harder sell, and they're habits that go deep.

Karol's the first to get his voice back, and the only thing he can manage to say is a quietly spoken,

"Raven…"

That breaks the spell and it's only a second later that Estelle comes back to herself, letting go and pulling her hands back with a whispered apology that the breeze can't blow over.

And that's all Raven has in him. There's nothing else to say. Not because he shouldn't and not because he doesn't want to, but because, right now, he can't. Can't think of any words or sentences or jokes or… or _anything_. The only thing he can think to do is turn his back on the group, pick his broken bow up off the ground, and walk away.

Not far, but far enough. To a point where the intense stares beating at his back aren't as intimidating and to where he won't be able to hear them when they start talking again. So he walks and stops and sits down on the grass hard and stares at that cloud that had been overhead just a little while ago as it swims through the sky towards the horizon. A shadow appears next to him and Raven doesn't have to look to know that Repede has decided to join him. The dog lets out a small sigh of air as he lays down next to Raven to watch the sky.

Yuri watches Raven walk away, and jumps a little when Repede walks past him to join the archer, and he watches the man hit the ground but he doesn't move. No one does. Estelle's still crying and shaking and covered in blood, but its dried blood now because no one noticed that when Raven had stepped forward earlier (spirits, that seems like forever ago instead of just a few minutes) he had healed her. He healed her while they had said terrible things about him; both to him and over him. They were so focused on Estelle and her injury that they were blind to the fact that she was okay (in one manner of speaking) and that it was gone.

Of all the times he's let his keen observation skills slip, this was one of the worst. Or maybe it isn't about observation at all but perception or the willingness to accept what he's seen and heard. But what's done is done and what wasn't done wasn't done and he will have to fix this. He _has_ to fix it now. He needs to know why Estelle is crying, he needs to understand why Raven does what he does and says the things he says and thinks the things he thinks.

He _needs_ to because if he doesn't now he never will and that will grate at him forever. Despite all his anger towards the old man right now Yuri knows, deep down, that Raven's been an important part in all this and he's too far invested for them to just toss him aside and forget him. They wouldn't ever be able to forget him no matter how hard they tried.

And trying to forget would be wrong. Very, _very_ wrong. Especially after this because he is right. About _everything_.

That scares Yuri even more than not knowing about the old man, honestly, just how much Raven knows about them that they never told him. Maybe it's because Raven is just that much older than the rest of them and maybe he knows how to look at people and the world differently, but it's still scary.

Judy moves now, slowly, but shatters the shocked silence nevertheless and all eyes shift to her. She puts on her best smile and holds up her canteen as she looks to Estelle. "There was a pool of water back at the aer krene. I'll go get some so we can clean you up and Ba'ul is on his way so we can get out of here soon."

Judy's voice breaks through the wall of glass that Estelle's thrown up since she let her hold on her temper go and Estelle blinks up at her, feeling a thousand years older and a thousand years tired.

"T-thank you, Judith," she manages to reply with a watery smile that comes slowly but honest, "That's very kind of you."

"You're welcome," the older girl tells her a little too easily, "That's what friends do, isn't it?"

Estelle breathes and lets herself think, tries to let the tension fall away from her like the waves along the shore, and Judy doesn't walk away until Estelle nods once, twice, then tilts her head back down to stare at the grass.

"Yes…yes, it is."

"I'll be right back," she says, and as she passes Rita, she slings an arm around her shoulder and manhandles her right along, "You can help me carry it!"

"B-but you just said it was going in your—" Rita sputters, still being pulled along, "I wanted to—" and Estelle just manages to hear Judy's flippant,

"The poor girl's going to need more than one canteen. Come along… You too, Karol! You can come and watch out for monsters for us." She then proceeds to herd them away in the direction of the aer krene and Estelle can't help being grateful. They'll talk when they come back, because there's no way that she can let things stay that way with Rita. They have their problems but that doesn't change the fact that they're friends and Estelle has every intention of keeping it that way.

So she's grateful.

Well, except that now she's alone with Yuri and Estelle did more than fly off the handle at him, at all of them and to be honest, she's still hurt by the things he told her, even if they were true. She's also afraid because she said such horrible things to him and the idea that maybe he won't forgive her for them… Right now, she kind of wants to dig a large hole and bury herself, preferably for forever. At least until she can talk to him without wanting to flinch. Estelle can't quite meet his eyes and focuses on getting the worst of the blood off of her face with the clean patches on her ruined gloves.

She wants…well, she wants a lot of things.

A large part of her wants to go over and check on Raven…except that she doesn't think that he can take it right now. She knows how it feels to need to be left alone and Repede's with him, and that's probably for the best for now. Right now, she's honestly not in any sort of state to be doing any such thing anyway, not when she's not sure she can even take care of herself, and he's not going anywhere, and—and—

She needs to talk to Yuri.

Spirits, her eyes feel hot again and Estelle absolutely refuses to cry anymore, even though if she does, she seriously doubts that anyone's going to be surprised.

She'll leave Raven to the quiet he wants. She can't help him right now so she'd be best off trying to mend what she can. So in the meantime…

She drags her eyes up from the ground to watch Yuri, who hasn't moved from where he's been standing this whole time, looking lost and confused and hurt. The man shuffles on his feet and stiffens not a little bit nervously when she approaches, like he's not sure whether she's going to yell again or lash out.

Estelle's more than through with yelling, at least for a while.

All it takes is one more step for her to reach out and pull him into a full-body hug, squeezing tightly before letting go and scrambling backwards. She doesn't regret the things she _said_…but she hates that she put that look on his face. She hates it and she hates that he's probably angry at her for it.

"I…" she starts, voice low and slightly hoarse from shouting and tears, "I'm sorry for screaming like that. I don't usually—I'm not—" She looks away. "I'm sorry. I just—" For all her vitriol earlier, she can't seem to gather up the words she needs to make her point, and Estelle tucks her chin into her collarbone. She's said so much already but she forces the words out by sheer force of will, "You're right about me. I'm not…I'm not fine. I'm not fine at all."

Her vision swims and she shakes her head, wringing her hands in the hem of her dress. The first step is admitting it, right? Maybe then…maybe then, things might come more easily.

"I'm not fine and I don't know how to fix it."

And she's not asking him to try and fix it. She's not even necessarily asking for help in fixing it, because how could she possibly expect that when she can't find an answer for herself? But behind the anger in his words earlier, there was a hurt she hadn't expected. By not saying anything, she'd hurt him and he'd let her.

And even if she can't find her answers yet, Estelle doesn't want to hurt the people she loves anymore and she's starting with Yuri.

A million things are spinning around in Yuri's head and he doesn't know if he can catch a single thought to focus on. Seeing Estelle that angry at everyone, particularly at him, was shocking and well…scary to put it lightly, but Estelle is human just like the rest of them. Sometimes Yuri has to remind himself of that because she is usually so well tempered at everything that would make any other person lose it. He can't imagine how long she's been keeping those emotions locked up and it hurts him to know that she hasn't shared any of it with him (or anyone).

At the same time it's not like he asked her if she was alright. He never told her that she could talk to him if she ever wanted to. He can't blame her for not wanting to talk; Yuri knows that lately he hasn't been the most inviting person and he himself has been keeping a lot of his own thoughts and emotions on lock down.

He had no right to say anything, but he had and now Estelle is hurting worse than she already was.

Today wasn't just about Raven. Maybe something did happen last night to make her want to stick up for him (and yes, she's right about a lot of what she said…if not everything), but there is more to this than Yuri understands right now and he wants to understand, but ultimately that not up to him. If he wants Estelle to stop hurting he has to pull his own weight in the conversation.

"Estelle," he starts out slowly and her name feels so hard to say for some reason. He was the one that gave her that nick name and now it was getting stuck in his throat. "No one would be okay if they went through what you did. No one. Not me or Flynn or… _anyone_. But…"

_But why can't you talk to me? What is it about me that's made you lock up?_

Yuri lets out a frustrated sigh. He feels like such a hypocrite right now. "But you can't keep it all inside. I know…I _know_ what that is like. I… really do." Because just like Raven said that is exactly what he has been doing. "That doesn't give me the right to yell at you like I did. I…I'm sorry."

He doesn't know what else to say. Yuri always knows what to say, but right now he doesn't think there are any words that are worthy enough or even capable of fixing this hole he's helped create between him and one of his best friends.

For a moment, Estelle just breathes.

It hasn't been all that long, not really, but it feels like an eternity since they left the aer krene after creating Sylph. It feels like it's been forever but it hasn't, not since the battle or Estelle's losing her temper. It's been long enough that the dust has cleared and the birds are calling again and the air is clean in her lungs even though if she looks up, the Adephagos looms like a spectre.

It's with those words that Estelle feels the imbalance inside her steady out into something that feels a little more normal. Like something more like her, instead of the half-mad something that she was before.

Yuri's apology is…not quite unnecessary but entirely appreciated, and she's able to smile at him in reply without it feeling like it hurts.

Now maybe things can be normal. Not the old normal, because the old normal was unhealthy and not very good for anyone (that much has been made clear, so clear), but maybe it can become a new normal where they don't pretend all the time that everything's okay when it's the furthest thing from it.

"Thank you, Yuri," she says quietly, "That means…"

So much.

So much that sometimes, it's almost everything. So much that sometimes, it feels like it might be the only thing that keeps the world from going dark.

Estelle looks up and her smile comes easier, softer.

"That means a lot to me. Apology accepted."

She remembers not with epiphany but with the softness of memory that in the very beginning it was just the two of them, back when she was running away and he was chasing after a blastia thief. And now here they are trying to save the world, the useless figurehead and the rebel with a half-baked cause, and she'll always feel differently about Yuri than anyone else she'll ever meet.

He's gotten so strong.

"I think…I think we all have some issues with honesty," she says quietly, "And it's no one's fault, it just—it means that we need to work on it." So that this doesn't happen again. Because that's what happens when you care about people, she realizes. If you didn't care, you wouldn't get so upset or hurt. If you didn't care, you wouldn't bother apologizing. If you didn't care, you wouldn't need to try so _hard_ to get it right, and to keep trying when you didn't. "So are we…are we okay?"

_Please tell me that we can be okay._

Yuri needs to be honest now because the honesty needs to start sometime or all of this is going to happen again and nothing will ever get better. It needs to get better; for him and Estelle and Karol and everyone. Most importantly right now; the world needs this to get better.

"No, we aren't okay, Estelle. But…but we will be. If we try." Raising a hand, Yuri places it over the spot on his chest where Estelle had slammed her own just a few minutes earlier. He can still feel the shock of the impact. "I don't have a heart like yours and because of that I don't understand a lot of things or maybe I see things differently than you do. I'm glad you're here to point that out for me so don't feel bad, okay? Don't apologize for something that you needed to do." Yuri puts a hand under her chin and lifts her head so she can look him in the eyes. "For something that needed to be done."

And it's true. For as much as Yuri does not want to admit it; it needed to be done. He casts a quick glance over Estelle's head to where Raven is sitting, tinkering with the snapped string on his bow. The older man is obviously hurting, just like Estelle and a part of Yuri wonders if maybe one of the reasons he got so angry is because he's never seen Raven show such true emotion before. It isn't anything as drastic as Estelle hitting him or screaming, but it is different and weird and it was very unexpected.

It means that all those times Yuri was nasty towards Raven he really was hurting him and that all those smiles and laughs and jokes were just a cover. In the back of his mind Yuri knew they were, but it is easier to pretend that those grins were real and that Raven couldn't be hurt.

Because it's so hard to admit that someone who hurt you so badly is human and can also be hurt in return.

Or even worse, maybe Yuri hurting him first pushed Raven to do what he did.

Estelle nods at his answer, accepting and acknowledging the truth there too.

No, they're not okay. But they can be so they will be, she'll make sure of it.

Estelle can't keep from following Yuri's eyes to glance over to where Raven's sitting with Repede, and she couldn't have chosen anyone better to stay with him now. Repede will take care of him until he can manage anything more emotionally draining than figuring out what to have for dinner, and that more than makes up for the fact that he still won't let Estelle pet him regularly.

And then, Estelle takes note of the dark patches that manage to show up against the fabric of Yuri's top. Dark patches that hadn't been there before, and she looks down, seeing half-dried blood still streaking her arms and her front and probably a good deal still on her face. It was nowhere near dried enough. If she looks closely, she can see smudges of it on his skin where she touched him, too.

…oh dear.

She hadn't thought before she'd moved and she really should have, because now Yuri looks like a murder scene too. Less so than her (and not for the first time, Estelle thinks she has to be at least somewhat crazy to be so attached to this dress), but it's still pretty bad. She winces a little at the sight and Yuri blinks at her, not a small bit confused.

"…what?" he asks, narrowing his eyes a little, "Is there something on my face?"

Estelle gives in to the slightly teary, slightly hysterical giggles that always seem to come after an emotional crescendo. She's not just laughing at the ridiculous look on his face but at everything, at the idea that maybe things can change and be better. That maybe now everyone can actually heal.

And the ridiculous look on Yuri's face certainly doesn't hurt.

"Not your face, but everywhere else," she says when she can with an all-encompassing gesture towards his clothing and an apologetic smile, "Let's just say that it's a good thing that three canteens are coming back instead of just one."

No, they're not okay, but they will be.

It feels like a miracle when Judy comes back not long after that, a full canteen in her hand and one of their packs in the other, Rita and Karol trailing slightly behind her. Rita still looks sullen but Karol…Karol just looks like he hurts.

"Sit, Estelle," the older girl tells her and Estelle drops obediently down to the ground, folding her legs up underneath her. Judy follows suit and rummages about in her bag, pulling out a cloth. Estelle fidgets a little but doesn't move or protest when she wets it and, instead of handing it over, reaches out to swipe gently at her face, starting with her temples. It's cold and startling even though she was expecting it, and Estelle lets her eyes close.

She's not nearly as close with Judith as she'd like to be.

Estelle admires her, respects her, and respects her even more for being the one to say the things that no one else will, even when it hurts. Even when it hurts _her_, because how could it not hurt when someone calls you wishy-washy, says you're taking advantage of your friends? Even when it's true, it still hurts. Maybe it hurts most _because_ it's true, but Estelle can't help but admire that in her.

She wants Judith to like her. Estelle doesn't want anyone to dislike her, but she wants Judith to like her because _she_ likes her, and because Judith makes her want to be better. A better everything, a better Estelle, even when it's hard and when it hurts. Maybe especially when it's hard and when it hurts.

"Are you alright?"

A quiet voice interrupts her thoughts and Estelle opens her eyes to look violet ones straight on.

"Oh, I—I'm fine," she says. Estelle's not fine, but that's—that's a problem, actually. "I—no," she amends, "I'm not."

"I know," Judy says idly and continues to swipe blood and grime off of her cheeks until Estelle feels a little less like a giant scab. It feels good and she doesn't think twice about leaning into it a little bit, a steady touch that doesn't really mean anything or hurt. For some reason, it's a little hard to look her in the face, because something about Judy's expression is softer than usual and different.

If Estelle didn't know better, she'd think that it looked something like pride.

But that doesn't make any sense and she looks away. But there's nowhere else to look. She can watch Raven, facing away from all of them and communing with Repede. She can watch Yuri, which is easier but still not entirely comfortable even though he's steadfastly pretending to not be watching anything other than clouds. She can watch Rita, who's hovering a ways away like she's not sure whether she wants to come closer or get a head start on running, and they're seriously going to have to talk about that one. She can watch Karol, whose gaze darts from Raven to Yuri, back and forth, like he's so conflicted that it hurts.

Estelle turns back to Judy with a quiet whuff of breath.

"Feel better?"

"No," the word slips out of her before she can catch it and the slim hand holding the cloth stills. "I mean…"

"Honesty is a better look on you," Judy tells her quietly, a single eyebrow arching towards her hairline, "You should try it on more often, as I think you well know. You did well, you know." Estelle stiffens and she's not the only one to react. The sudden set of Yuri's shoulders and the way Rita cringes give them both away but Karol's the only one to give up the game he wasn't playing in the first place and actively pay attention. "I mean it."

"I yelled at you."

"Yup, and we deserved it." Judy smiles, a calm, serene little thing that belies everything she doesn't show on her face. "It takes a lot of courage to stand against the people you love…and it's good to see you finally fight for something."

Because Estelle's never fought for something solely because she wanted to. She's done it for everyone else, she's done it for Yuri, and she's done it for the world. She's done it because she thinks it's what she ought to do. She's done it because she doesn't see any other options. But there's a world of difference from that and the show she put on just now, and Judy wouldn't mind seeing it again because she's been looking for that ever since she realized that she wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

She's always known that there was steel in there somewhere, if only Estelle would man up and _fight_.

And fight she could. Fight she did.

Judy lets her smile widen and gets the last of the filth off of the princess' face, wringing out the dirty rag and setting it aside to wash later for next time. Because there's always a next time with this crowd and there's just no point in pretending otherwise.

"There!" Judy declares with a flourish, "Good as new. Well…almost."

Estelle looks down at herself and shakes her head.

"Almost," she agrees, "Thank you, Judith." She's not just thanking her for the cleanup.

Judy reaches out and slim fingers curl around her shoulder to squeeze warmly, "You're welcome, Estelle." They sit silently for a few moments but it's not an uncomfortable or awkward silence. "You know, sometimes it helps to just let someone know how're feeling. Even if you don't have anything to say."

"Right…" Estelle thinks of all the nights she's spent awake either staring into flames or staring up at the sky or staring at the fabric of the tent, and she wonders just how many of those nights Judy might have been awake, might have known, might have listened. "I'll try that sometime."

"Good," And with that, Judith springs to her feet and straightens, crossing her arms over her chest. "Why don't we start thinking about where we're going to set up camp? I think we should stop early today." Estelle wants to protest initially and then changes her mind about it almost immediately. A few more hours of travel aren't worth letting things steam and honestly, it's not too hard to let herself agree with the other girl.

"I think so too." Green eyes glance over to where Rita stands, set apart from everyone else, defensive and curled in. "I'll ask Rita if she'll set up the tents with me."

"Good plan," Judy replies and meanders over to where Yuri's standing and still pretending to not be paying attention.

Raven hears Estelle's light giggle at whatever Yuri said and a minute later he hears Yuri give a low chuckle and he lets out a slow unsteady breath. At least he didn't ruin anything permanently between those two because for a good five minutes he was scared that he had and he never would have been able to live with himself if that was true. He's ruined a lot recently and he's going to change that. How exactly he's going to do that he's not too sure yet, but he'll figure it out.

He hadn't expected Estelle to react the way she had, but then again, Raven should have remembered that no one can _expect_ anything from Estelle because she'll just surprise you in one way or another.

And Raven is grateful. So grateful because it has been a very long time since anyone has stood up for him like that. Too long really, ten years too long. It's a weird feeling to have someone standing at your side, but it's nice too. It's not that he hasn't had people to stand by him since the war. He made friends and had those that he trusted and those who trusted him (and spirits does it hurt to think about how they shouldn't have trusted him at all). But even through all that and even with the few, very few that knew the truth it still never felt completely real or sincere.

And this did. Somehow, someway, this felt more tangible and more honest and Raven liked that.

This is going to continue, he'll make sure of that, but it's going to take a lot work on Raven's part. He's going to have to talk to everyone and it's not going to be easy. It's going to be one of the hardest things he's ever had to do and he's terrified and he doesn't know what he's going to say or where or when he'll do it, but he _will _do this.

There're more footsteps walking around behind him and Raven knows that Judy, Karol and Rita have returned, but other than that it's quiet. Very quiet. Turning his broken bow over in his hands Raven picks up the broken string and twists the end until it's in a tight coil. He could fix it well enough to last until they got to the next town or city so he could buy a new one. Right now, fixing a bow sounds like the best way to spend an evening. A simple mindless task that can keep his fingers busy and give his head time to clear.

"Raven?" The archer jumps as Karol materializes next to him and sits down, his large bag thumping against the ground. His words are shy and shaky, like he doesn't know if he should be sitting there or not. "Are you okay?"

Raven can't help but give Karol a small thankful smile. "Yeah, I'll be fine, kid."

"You're not lying are you?"

Now Raven flinches. He is too used to doing that; saying what needs to be said so that the other person would stop asking questions and not figure out that he's lying. He needs to stop and that is going to take a little more than a grandiose effort.

"I'm tired." Raven corrects himself- and who would have thought that those two words could be so difficult to say when they're authentic? "This spirit creation thing isn't real kind to my blastia and its never reacted that way before, so I don't really know what's going on." Karol's face pales. "But the way I see it, and I said this before… I think that this is all worth it. So don't worry too much, all right?"

Karol scrunches his face into a deep frown. "How can you expect me _not_ to worry, Raven? I… I know I never told you before but… but I like having you around. I was really scared when I saw you fall."

Closing his eyes Raven has to hold in a heavy sigh. Of everyone he's hurt in the past and out of everyone he's hurt recently, Estelle aside, it pains him so much to think of what he did to Karol. Unlike the others, Raven knew about Karol and where he came from. Karol might not have known who Raven was, but he was around when Karol was growing up in Dahngrest, when Karol's parents were killed and when he joined and left almost every guild there was. He knew him because the Don knew him and he knows what Karol's life has been like and Raven hates himself for somehow finding the ability to be that heartless towards a kid he honestly cares for.

When they were fighting in that abandoned building, Karol's words hurt the most. His eyes and tears made Raven so happy that Yuri was about to put an end to him. And then Yuri didn't and now Raven still finds it difficult to look at Karol, to not want to bury his face in his hands in shame. The kid is so young and so brave and Raven betrayed that. Sometimes he just can't take it; how is he supposed to forgive himself for this?

How has Karol been able to treat him relatively normally compared to the others? He was the only other one outside of Estelle that had just worried over him.

"Well I didn't mean to scare ya." He says softly. "But you don't have to worry because ol' Raven here isn't gonna leave you young ones just yet." Turning Raven gives Karol his signature wink. "And that's a promise."

_Somehow I'll prove this. Somehow_.

Karol looks over him with scrutiny, unsure of whether to be suspicious of that wink or not.

In the end, suspicion wins out.

"If you promise, that means you absolutely have to keep it. No take-backs," he elaborates, "No loopholes, no exaggerations. You promised, so I'm holding you to it." There's a part of his brain that warns him not to expect much to come from promises, but that sort of negativity is what got them all into this in the first place.

Negativity, apathy, resentment…all of those things came out today and Karol hated seeing that kind of ugliness in anyone, much less his friends and himself, too. This happened because they hid things and couldn't trust each other and he knows that it's not going to happen perfectly right away, but he's got to try.

He's got to try and have faith.

It's still complicated and Karol still has so many things tied up in Raven and pain but despite all that he cares, and things are better with him here.

If Raven can make a promise to stay and keep it, Karol can make and keep a promise to make things better.

"And you have to say something if it gets to be too much, yeah?" He eyes the area of Raven's chest where he knows the blastia is; he's done little else but think about that thing and sometimes, he thinks himself into such small, horrible circles that he just has to _stop_. A strange, indecipherable look flashes across Raven's face before it's replaced with a crooked little half smile that's suddenly more honest than all of the others, now that Karol knows what to look for. "Deal?"

Raven hesitates for just a second. He's made deals and promises before, lots of them, but in the last ten years he's hardly honored any of them. This one he has to honor and that's a tall, intimidating order. Slowly he nods. "Deal."

Yuri doesn't turn around until Judy speaks at him. "Ba'ul's here. We don't have to travel far, perhaps just somewhere a little safer and away from all the dead bugs."

Nodding Yuri spots the Entelexeia in the air, circling and gradually descending towards the scattered group. His eyes then sweep the field across Estelle approaching Rita and then to Karol who has since meandered over to sit with Raven and Repede. This was going to be a difficult (awkward?) night, but Judy is right; they should definitely call it quits for the day and set up early to sort things out. Ba'ul lets out his usual warning cry before dipping down and settling on the edge of the field with the Fiertia for them to climb on.

It's quiet as everyone walks to board the ship and Yuri can't help but watch Raven as he gets up slowly with Karol's help, still unsteady on his feet. In lieu of everything that's happened it's pretty easy to forget that this all started when the older man collapsed. No one has asked the archer if he is alright yet (well Karol probably has at this point, but it's already an overdue question), but even Estelle seems to have forgotten to fuss over him (which no one will blame her for). Yuri frowns as he watches everyone trudge across the field in front of him, exhausted in both mind and body.

They still have so much to do, so many miles to travel in their journey to save the world. Sometimes Yuri finds it so overwhelming; after Raven he was the oldest one in their group and he feels well… responsible. Even if Judy is eons more mature than him he's still the strongest and it falls to him to make sure everyone stays safe and makes it to the end of all of this. That means taking the night watch even when he's at the end of his own rope and it means he has to push his own problems aside so the others can deal with theirs.

But that's part of why things escalated the way they did today. He has so much to sort through in his own mind and he can't ignore it anymore. If he learned anything today (aside from the fact that Estelle has a gut of steel) it is that he has to face up to his own misconceptions and hesitations.

Judy walks alongside him silently until they're all on the Fiertia and Ba'ul has taken to the sky. The Krityan leans alongside the rail that Yuri has chosen to park himself against and turns an easy smile at him. "Ba'ul says there are a couple of small islands to the west of here that we might be able to set up on."

Yuri nods, but can't seem to find it in himself to look back at Judy. "That sounds good. I think we can all use an early turn in tonight."

"Yes, I agree." Judy points to Yuri's canteen hanging from his belt. "Do you mind if I take a sip? Mine's empty."

Yuri unclips his canteen and hands it off as he raises an eyebrow at the Krityan. "You're remarkably good at acting like nothing's happened."

"Oh?" Judy puts a hand to her cheek, a familiar glint flickering in her eyes that Yuri can never quite place but is always ridiculously suspicious of. "I'm not pretending that nothing's happened. That would be pretty hard to do, don't you think?"

"Could have fooled me." Yuri shakes his head as he finally turns to face Judith and he can't help but chuckle at her sugary, innocent smile (that in reality is about as far from innocent as Desier is from Zaphias). "I called you a terrorist."

"Well, you won't be doing that again, right?"

Judy's smile bursts into a grin that's so sweetly smug Yuri has to resist the urge to put his face in his hands. "No, I definitely won't. Sorry about that."

"Good," she says cheerfully, "I'd certainly hate to make you regret repeating it." Judy shifts her gaze from Yuri to watch the clouds go by overhead. It's remarkably calm and it's comforting to be back in the familiarity of the Fiertia rather than down on the ground with the corpses. "And apology accepted. My Krityan senses tell me that there are going to quite a few of those flying around tonight." Jokingly, she tugs at the tiny Ba'ul hanging from her hair.

"No kidding," Yuri mutters in reply and takes his canteen back, sticking it back onto his belt. "You sure you need special senses for that?"

Judith idly runs her fingers through her bangs and shrugs.

"No, but they help."

They fall into an easy quiet, all things considered, until she speaks again.

"You know, it's not often that I'm really surprised. But I didn't see that coming."

And she didn't, not from a mile away, not from six inches away, not until it was staring her in the face and there was nothing anyone could do about it. At the very least, she can be happy that she wasn't the only one.

Yuri shakes his head. "I'm pretty sure none of us did, but in the end can't say I'm surprised. Looking back on it, I'm really more shocked that it didn't happen sooner."

Which is true. They've been traveling together for so long now and have been through so much together it's a miracle (and no small one at that) that things never escalated like this before. When you travel in a group of their size, or any size, there will be tension and there will be things about each other that pull nerves. Sure, they all had their tiny grievances about each other, but everyone in their group is so wonderfully perfect at keeping everything inside they really were just a walking time bomb, waiting to go off.

Judy nods her agreement looking a little more than sad. "It's too bad it had to come to this, but I'm not disappointed that it did. We all have a lot to learn."

"That's the biggest understatement of the day."

And who'd have thought they'd be learning that from Raven?

Yuri picks himself off the railing as Karol wanders over, his hands fiddling with the strap of his bag that is laying across his chest. "Yuri? Can I talk to you a minute?"

"Anytime, chief." Yuri puts a hand in the air at Judy and follows Karol across the deck towards the front of the ship. For everything that just happened the young guild leader is just about as put together as Judy is, which makes Yuri feel a little more than childish for exploding the way he did. "What's up?"

"I want to talk to you about some guild stuff." Karol leaves it at that and picks up his pace until he's as far forward as you can go on the Fiertia, where he turns and waits for Yuri.

As he walks Yuri spots pink and red sitting together on the opposite side of the bow. Estelle and Rita aren't facing each other, but they're talking which is probably the best Yuri can hope for right now. He and Estelle had said some hurtful things to one another, but Rita had taken a little more than the brunt of Estelle's wrath, not that the mage wasn't partially to blame herself. He can only hope that they'll work things out because he knows that the princess thinks of Rita as a good friend and, despite a refusal to ever admit it, Rita's come to really like Estelle.

Over on that end of the boat, Rita hasn't felt this awkward or nervous or guilty or scared in a long time. This is why it's so much easier to just stay away from people. Easier to not befriend or trust anyone because in the end, they'll probably hurt you or, just like now, you'll hurt them even worse.

She hates apologies. Not because they're difficult to say because if you're sorry you're sorry and there's not much more to it, but because Rita _sucks_ at them. She finds it so difficult to sound sincere or honest because for her whole life, sincerity has only gotten her in trouble or has made others, usually those older than her, look down on her as weak or incapable and Rita knows she is very capable. Capable of fixing this mess, somehow.

Not that the whole thing was her fault. The old man and Yuri have to take most of the blame, but Rita can't deny the fact that she also had a moment where all sense and reason had been flung aside and all that reigned was anger and worry and panic.

So here she is, sitting with Estelle and she has _no idea_ what to say. If Estelle was a blastia this would be easy, but she's not and therein lies Rita's biggest problem. Estelle is right; more right than Judy saying they all deserved what healer had said (because they did). Rita doesn't know how to treat people like people. She's always thrown herself into her blastia research, and those precious, delicate little stones became more than just her passion. They became her friends and the only things she could trust. Because she couldn't trust other researchers; they would steal her ideas or discoveries simply because she was younger than them. They lacked faith in her abilities so why should she have had confidence in theirs?

What is even scarier is how Raven had hit the nail on the head about her. She had never thought about it before, but maybe part of the reason she overly cared for blastia was because she wanted to take care of them and protect them in a way she had never experienced herself.

Still, that isn't an excuse she can use anymore because once she met Estelle and Yuri, everything changed. Everything changed, but she had refused to change herself and that was where Element A had met Element B and created the volatile explosion in the field today.

Casting a sideways glance at Estelle Rita lets out a small nervous sigh. She was always an all or nothing kind of person and now is no different from any other time. If Yuri was man enough to admit she wasn't a blastia thief back then (and there will still never be anything more hilariously wrong than that was) then she could do this now. "Estelle, I... I'm sorry I yelled at you like that."

Estelle doesn't say anything at first, instead sitting quietly next to the edge of the boat and watching the horizon line; spotted with clouds and innocuous if she could only ignore the giant undulating tentacle streaking across the sky.

"You don't…" she begins, rethinks what she was going to say, and starts again, "I'm not the one you owe apologies to. You yelled but you didn't say anything excessively cruel. On the other hand…" she glances to the side and eyes Karol standing with Yuri. "There are other people who would do better to hear them from you."

They'd all said more than their share and Estelle thinks that apologies are going to be much more commonplace around here for at least a while. Rita follows her gaze but when Estelle turns to watch _her_, she can't meet her eyes.

"I don't—" Rita cuts herself off and stares at the ground, listening to the quiet whistling of the wind. "…yeah," she answers and tilts her body away from Estelle like she's expecting a blow, "I do, don't I?"

"You do," Estelle replies and when Rita flinches, she continues, "And so do I. I wasn't exactly kind to you. I'm sorry that I shouted; I took out more on you than I probably should have."

Oh, there goes the guilt, and Rita hunches in on herself to try and stave it off to no avail, because even though she'd love to simply take the admission as permission to let things go back to the way they were, she just can't. Rita wishes that she _did_ deserve that permission but she doesn't. None of them do, and she knows where her fault lies.

She hates it, but she knows it.

"I deserved it," she mutters, "I'm not an idiot." Except that she might be, she might really be, but she can't just sit by and let Estelle go around looking like she felt, which was pretty close to the scum of planet. "But thanks anyway."

Estelle twists her hands in her lap, a nervous tell that has Rita wanting to reach out and stop her.

"He was right," she says quietly under her breath, so quietly that Estelle has to lean in to hear it, "The old man was right about me."

Estelle closes her eyes and scoots closer, a gesture that should have made Rita uncomfortable but instead made her less out of her element. Keeping Estelle close feels better than having her far away.

"I know," she replies after a heartbeat too many, "He was right about me too."

Rita rakes her hands through her hair and folds her knees up to her chin with a quiet sigh. "I don't know how to be with people. I don't know how to like people more than blastia. People…people leave, and they're unreliable, and they take what's yours and just walk out the—they just leave." Estelle leans closer until she very purposefully bumps the other girl with her shoulder.

"Do you like me more than blastia?" she can't but ask, quirking an eyebrow when Rita gapes at her.

"_What_?"

"I said, do you like me more than blastia?" Estelle repeats patiently as Rita sputters.

"What? But that—that's totally different, I…" she trails off and looks away, "…yes."

"Then it's a start, okay? If you have a place to start, you have a place to go. You just…you need to think about how you treat others, because people hurt and blastia don't. People might let you down sometimes but they can also help you a lot more than a blastia can. People can leave you but people can also run after you. A blastia…blastia are important and special, but they can't do that."

Rita hangs her head and buries her face in her knees, feeling Estelle sling an arm around her shoulder. How could she just _do_ that? It's not like she's trying to act like anything's happened; Estelle's just as awkward and uncomfortable as Rita feels, but she's still making the effort to try. To try and _help_. Almost solely because she can, because Estelle's been hurt too.

"You're making me look bad," she murmurs into her knees.

Estelle thinks a moment. "I think as Judith might say, that's what friends are for."

"Don't you have that backwards then?"

"Nope," Estelle shakes her head. "Today we all made each other look bad, but it wasn't because we aren't friends. I was thinking about this before, but I think the reason things escalated the way they did is because we care for one another just that much. We were all worried and scared for the next person, but none of us knew how to go about fixing it."

Rita nods. It makes sense when Estelle puts it that way; despite everything in her that has told her to not care about these people, she does. Some more than others but she can't leave them, not like the people who have left her because then she would be no better than them in the end.

Estelle can't keep back the smile and reaches out to turn her companionable shoulder grab into a full on hug, squeezing tightly for a few seconds until Rita gets over her shock and returns it. When she pulls away, the younger girl is looking less tense but distinctly red in the face.

"I'll leave you to it," she says and gets to her feet, "I have something I need to do before we reach tonight's camp."

"O..okay," Rita replies and Estelle waves before turning and approaching the spot where Yuri and Karol are standing.

"Hey," Yuri tells her, "Everything okay?"

"Going to be, I think," And that's the truth. "I actually…" she turns to Karol, "Karol, I don't suppose you know where Raven is, do you?"

She wanted to give him some time to himself, avoid smothering him or making things weird…but she needs to see him, if only to make sure that he's going to be physically okay. Through all of the ruckus, she hasn't even gotten around to checking in on him, which makes her feel quite a bit like the most terrible friend ever.

"I'm pretty sure he's down in the hull somewhere…Repede should be with him. He's definitely down there somewhere," Karol tells her and Estelle sinks down into a hurried curtsy before turning on a heel to leave.

"Thank you, Karol!" she calls behind her, voice bouncing off the wooden walls of the Fiertia. The stairs are abandoned and the hallways as well as the first three rooms she checks are empty.

It's on her sixth try that she finds him in one of the storerooms that they've worked into a bedroom; he's facing the wall and curled up on top of the sheets rather than underneath them, silent and still. Estelle wonders for a moment if he's sleeping but she's positive that he's not. Repede is with him too, flopped on his back on top of Raven's feet, and _he_ might have looked asleep if not for the way he cocks his head and watches her as she enters the room.

He's not stupid, Estelle knows that he knows she's there, and she approaches the bed to sit on the edge of it, reaching out a hand to take advantage of the rarer-than-rare opportunity of Repede allowing her a brief pat on the head.

"Hello," she says softly to the motionless lump that's currently Raven, "I just…I wanted to check up on you, see how you were feeling. See if I could do anything." She hasn't forgotten that before all the craziness, she'd panicked to see him go down and even afterwards, he hadn't looked like he was feeling any better, not a single little bit.

Raven doesn't need to ask or turn over to see who it is that open the door to the room he chose to plunk himself down in. Estelle's footsteps are remarkably quieter than anyone else's on board (especially Karol or Yuri's, eggbears the both of them). He had parted with Karol up on deck with every intention of maybe sleeping before they touched down wherever they were going to set up camp, but that certainly didn't happen.

He feels awful; in every sense of the word. Physically he just hurts; his body is tired and stressed and he really ought to figure out why his blastia did what it did, but mentally he's been wiped clean. After last night and throughout the day he's run himself dry. Now only two things were running through his mind: different ways to fix his bow and how much he was looking forward to bed tonight. Both of which were somehow pressing enough to keep him from resting at all.

Estelle sits lightly on the side of his bed and Raven takes a deep breath before pulling himself over and up, curling his feet towards him (rolling Repede off his feet) to sit in his usual butterfly style. Repede gives a short indignant huff before jumping off the bed to resettle on the floor near the door. The dog closes his eyes, but his ears are perked up; listening for anyone else who might come down unannounced.

Staring at his feet through the pieces of hair that have fallen over his eyes Raven shakes his head to answer Estelle's question. Usually he'd take this opportunity to crack a joke and make some over the top demand, but right now all he can do is just say it like it is "That's sweet of you, but I'm not sure there's a whole lot that can be done."

And really that's both the long and short of it. If he doesn't know why his blastia went on the fritz there's nothing that can be done to try and fix it. Turing he looks over at the princess; hoping that maybe his face doesn't look as bad as he feels, but knowing that it probably looks worse. Estelle looks tired too; which is a comfort in a way to know that he wasn't the only one that just wants to call it quits for the day. There are still red stains all over her dress and she had discarded her gloves completely and it's almost too easy to forget that today, she bled for him.

"I haven't thanked you yet." He says as he reaches up and taps her arm in the exact spot she had had a hole just barely an hour ago. "You've done a lot for me in the past day, most of which I don't deserve-" Raven holds a hand up as Estelle gets that glint in her eye and goes on quickly. "_But_, I want you to know that it means a lot to this old man. So, thank you."

Estelle means to reply, to refute the very idea that he doesn't deserve the things she's done (not enough, not enough, not enough) but he cuts her off quickly enough that she can't get a word in and by the time he's finished, all she can do is gape at him for a few seconds.

Then she can't do anything but smile, a wide, soft, quiet thing that she's not used all that much in the past while.

"You're welcome," she says steadily, because it doesn't matter why, doesn't matter if you deserve the thank you or not (because she doesn't, not for doing what she should have done for so long), doesn't matter if you think it's even needed. If someone says thank you, there's only one appropriate answer. That goes double for when it's something that you'd do again and again and again, as many times as it was needed. "And thank you, too. For this," she makes a quick gesture to her arm, "And for…for the rest, too."

She knows that apologies around here are going to be as common as springtime butterflies in Zaphias, but she knows that she's got quite a few other things to say too, starting with thank yous of her own.

"I know I needed to hear it," and here her smile slips just a little but it's not dishonest in its return, "And so did everyone else. I only wish…well, I suppose it all should have happened sooner."

Like a volcano, she thinks. She's read about them in books. Safer to be around one that routinely goes off in small explosions than one that simmers for years until it combusts, burying everything around it in molten rock and flame. She thinks that if this is going to happen, she'd rather it happen more often and avoid the feeling she has now, which is mostly tired.

Spirits, she's tired and not just from not sleeping the past night, not just from the spirit conversion, not even just from her blowup. Just…all of it, and then talking to Yuri and talking to Judy (which had been surprisingly easy) and talking to Rita (which had been decidedly not), and…

Estelle can understand why Raven looks so exhausted right now, if what she's feeling now is even a fraction of what he's got on him.

When Raven sits up, a good deal of his hair (released from its normal tie, because who takes a nap with their hair up?) flops in front of his face, and it's with a hint of déjà vu that Estelle reaches out to brush it aside to reveal his eyes, tucking it behind his ears much like she'd done the night before. Her hand lingers there for a few seconds, fingertips resting at his temple, before she pulls it away with a gentle smile.

"Even if there's nothing I can really do, please tell me if you're not feeling better after you get some rest, okay? Maybe I can't heal your blastia, but I can do other things to make it easier. So tell me, otherwise I'll have to guess." The tone's not as serious, with a joking little lilt on the end of the threat, but she means those words. She's not just a magic healer; she's done her reading, she can do the things that everyone else can too.

She knows, moreso now than even last night, that things have changed for good between them. She'll never think about him in quite the same way ever again, and that's for the better too.

"It seems like it will be at least a little while before we arrive at the campsite," Estelle says quietly and cocks her head, "Try and rest until then."

Raven chuckles and raises both of his eyebrows skyward. "I thought I was the oldest one around here? I can't have you tellin' me to take a nap; it hurts the pride a bit." Though, he can't say he doesn't want to take her suggestion. Estelle's jaw drops and Raven smirks. "Well, thank you for the wellness check, but I think Repede and I could use a little more quiet time."

The princess nods and stands up, lightly patting out the wrinkles in the sheets she made. She clearly understands what he means and Raven's glad to have someone around that finally gets it. That finally someone appreciates where he's coming from. The idea of having a person know anything about him (aside from the select few…) always terrified him, but now that he has talked with Estelle it's really not all that bad. A little embarrassing, but not bad.

Raven flops back to his pillow before Estelle's even at the door and slings an arm over his eyes. He knows that from here on things are going to be drastically different and he's glad, if not a little worried or scared. It will take time for everything to smooth out, but right now it all just seems so daunting. He's so tired at the moment that he's not sure he'll be able to get out of the bed whenever they land, but Raven knows he is going to have to. Just like he'll have to get up early tomorrow morning and face the day like he has for the past 35 years; only it's going to be different. Good or bad is yet to be seen, but he'll do it.

At least he knows that much; even if he can't figure anything else out at the moment. Yes, getting up in the morning sounds like a good first goal right now.

The boat rocks a little as Ba'ul tips to turn and Raven rolls over as Repede jumps back to his spot at the end of the bed. The door clicks shut and the silence lulls him into a light sleep. It's dreamless and not entirely restful, but later on Raven will be glad for the short hour he gets because it's the last time he will get to see his pillow for a while.

Estelle lets the door close behind her with a nearly inaudible click. She has things to do, she knows. It won't be long before they touch back down on land, before they need to set up camp. Then there'll be even more to do, with putting up tents and getting dinner ready and probably more complicated conversations that she needs but doesn't want.

But for now…

Estelle leans up against the closed door and presses the heels of her palms into her eyes.

She's tired. Very, very tired. Not anywhere near as tired as the man she just left, not even close, but all she really wants to do is find a nice, quiet storeroom and hole up herself, but that's not going to happen. Maybe if Estelle's lucky, she'll remember how it felt to pull out the part of her that lashed out today, and that part might keep her strong through the talks she's avoided for so long, that Yuri won't let her avoid anymore. She's avoided so much that somehow, it's even scarier than it was in the beginning.

There are people she can fight for, though.

Estelle turns and for just a second lets her forehead press against the wood of the door. She knows she won't be heard when she whispers, "Thank you," so quietly against it before turning away to make her way back up the stairs and onto the deck of the Fiertia.

The sun's bright and almost blinding but she doesn't look away.

* * *

AN2: Thank you so much for reading! If you have anything to say to either of us, please leave a review! We love the feedback.


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